Back in February, weary digital travelers rode through Internet river and vale, facing untold hardships and threats lurking in the darkness, to bring us tale of a world of fantasy that Ice-T thinks is fucking stupid. The rapper, actor, and server of hot dick-bowls was heard on his podcast telling listeners of his travails through the “deep, deep, deep nerd shit” of a Dungeons & Dragons audiobook, which Ice-T had been hired to narrate after producers saw how deftly he dealt with make-believe creatures on Ice Loves Coco. It was an arduous, hero’s journey of the sort that Ice-T finds really irritating. And now you can hear some excerpts of Ice-T’s encounters with these mythical beings and far-off places, and listen as Ice-T barely sublimates his rage at their names.
Something Awful put together the clips from R.A. Salvatore’s The Legend Of Drizzt anthology, whose narrating cast also included David Duchovny, “Weird Al” Yankovic, Felicia Day, Sean Astin, Wil Wheaton, Dan Harmon, Danny Pudi, and other celebrities from projects Ice-T would absolutely hate. For his part, Ice-T took on the short story, “Comrades At Odds,” which recounts an adventure shared by the dark elf Drizzt Do’Urden and his moon elf friend, Innovindil, and involves flying around on Pegasi, obtaining a sentient sword, and killing orcs. It also involves Ice-T being forced to talk about all of that.
Here’s a clip from the fantasy name-laden opening, in which the only words that Ice-T nails with any conviction are, fittingly, “complete derision.”