Yesterday it was reported that Ice-T—following years of talking over beats, talking to fictional criminals, and talking to the non-butt part of his wife—would be taking a natural next step by hosting a talk show, where his zeal for talking could take on its purest form. But while we don’t yet know what Ice-T will be talking about, we know what he won’t be talking about: Dungeons & Dragons. According to Ice-T’s podcast, in which he can also be heard talking, Ice-T says he recently recorded what he called “a fucking Dungeons & Dragons book” for Audible, whose producers had apparently asked themselves, “Who can we get to bring to life the thrilling swords and sorcery of this beloved fantasy franchise? Is the man who wrote ‘New Jack Hustler’ available?”
To Ice-T’s constant chagrin, he was. “Dungeons & Dragons is some of the most crazy, deep, deep, deep nerd shit ever invented,” Ice-T said of his own epic journey to get through the 40-page story, which he says took him two full days. And yet, like a hero tasked with a perilous quest through shit Ice-T can’t pronounce, Ice-T endured, his eyes taking in amazing sights the likes of which they had never seen, and his mouth getting really pissed off about it.
“Pegasus. Pegasi. That’s horses with wings,” Ice-T exclaimed. “Motherfuckers talk like Yoda: ‘Outside I go, into the sun thereof, in, out…’ How do you read this shit?… Motherfuckers live in places that don’t exist… This motherfucker got a sword that talks to him and shit.” And so on and so on, like a J.R.R. Tolkien if he’d just been honest.
Ice-T regrettably never said the actual title of the audiobook, so you could then go and buy it and listen to it on repeat for the rest of your days. And whatever it is, it doesn’t yet appear to be on the Audible website. But you can still listen to Ice-T recall his exploits in his podcast here, close your eyes, and lose yourself in the realm of fantasy that Ice-T fucking hates.