January 9, 2007

Please
disregard my previous e-mail. As of the New Year, my girlfriend is no longer a
virgin.

No
Longer Dating Virgin Girl

Uh, gee. Sorry about that, NLDVG.

I'm not sorry that your girlfriend is no
longer a virgin, of course, as virginity is a scourge that I've dedicated my
life to stamping out. I'm sorry that I was unable to assist you. I could fob
you off, I suppose, with that dodge favored by professional advice columnists
everywhere: "The volume of the mail I receive prevents me from answering every letter
I receive blah blah blah." While it's true that I receive more letters than I
could ever possibly respond to (if your question doesn't appear in the column
within three weeks, people, you're on your own), that wasn't the case with your
letter.

Fact is, NLDVG, I didn't answer your
question because I was stumped. I didn't know what the hell to tell you about
the particular issues you raised in your original letter.

When you write an advice column, gentle
readers, it looks like you have all the answers because you only run questions
for which you have answers. This is as it should and must be; we advice
professionals need people to think we have all the answers so they'll keep
sending us their questions. But this scam has a cruel and unintended consequence:
When we don't respond to a question, the reader who sent it thinks, "He/she
doesn't care," or "He/she is too busy," or "He/she thought my question wasn't
interesting." When the reality may be that he/she has no fucking clue. And
here, to mark the New Year, are a few other letters that I haven't answered for
want of a clue.

I'm
a guy into she-male porn, and I've noticed that almost all the models in said
porn have very tight scrotums. Like they're cold. So I'm wondering, what's the
deal? Is it just the hormones? Or do they employ some kind of pre-shoot
scrotal-tightening technique? A bit of both, perhaps?

Never
Understood Tranny Scrotums

There's
this new pastor at the church I visit. She's gorgeous, an athlete, and can read
ancient Greek. I've managed to get her to lunch twice, despite her schedule,
and I spelled out my interest explicitly. She seemed receptive, posited that
dating someone in her new congregation could possibly cause issues, but may go
hiking with me this weekend. So what's the protocol for dating a smokin'-hot
priestess?

Not
Very Good Xian

I
am a gay man who has been in a relationship with my partner for nine years. My
lover has always planned on undergoing a sex change, from male to female. There
were money and health problems, but he's ready now. I've always told him that I
love him, no matter what. Now he's gotten his breast implants and I have to
admit, I am completely weirded out by them. I feel like a hypocrite, but I
don't know what to do! I've never been with a woman, and I don't want to be
with one now. I also love my partner intensely. Any advice? I feel like a jerk!
Support him for nine years and then peace out because of boobs?

Hating
Myself And His Breasts

I'm
23, straight, and female. I have a fairly ravenous sexual appetite, and
particularly enjoy administering oral sex to my lucky lovers. Unfortunately,
I've happened upon (what seems to be) a unique dilemma. An hour or so after swallowing
particular loads, I get intense stomachaches, quickly transitioning into
intense diarrhea. This only occurs with maybe one in five men, and seems to be
particular to the individual (i.e., if a man's loads give me the shits, they
always give me the shits; if a man's loads don't give me the shits, they never
give me the shits).

This
has never really been too much of a problem for me in the past—I just
didn't call guys back when it occurred—but I have started dating a
one-in-fiver who is witty, great in the sack, and gorgeous, and I want to keep
seeing him. So I have a few questions for you: 1) Does this happen to anyone
else? 2) Is it me, or is there something wrong with some guys' semen? 3) Is
there any remedy, besides spitting?

Blowing
Judiciously

My
wife and I enjoy a vigorous BDSM lifestyle and take part in some pretty heavy
activities. One we haven't tried but are anxious to is Tabasco sauce on mucous
membranes, e.g., nostrils, clit, and anal tissues. Our question: What would we
use to cool the burn should the application of Tabasco sauce to her anus or
clit prove to be too much for her to endure?

Master
& Servant

I'm
a gay man living in San Francisco. There are a couple of guys I'm into. Like an
actual couple. I've messed around with each of them separately, and in both
cases, I was told to keep it hush-hush because the other didn't know that he was being
messed around on. My problem is not about their dishonesty or any of that
bullshit. It's none of my business. What I really want to know is this: How can
I get them both in the sack at the same time?

Trying
To Double Down

I'm
a 19-year-old lesbian with the dyke equivalent of the "does size matter"
problem: I have a really short tongue. Is there anything I can do? Or does
"size" really not matter?

Tongue
Tied Teen

Four
years ago, my girlfriend and I made a sex tape. After we broke up, I continued
to watch the video, finding myself more turned on by the action now that she
was out of my life. I started taking pictures with my digital camera off the
television, and before long, I was putting these images of her on the Internet
for others to comment on. The tape is graphic, with clear shots of her face as
she goes down on me, masturbates, and rides me. I feel terrible—she's a
sweet girl and it wasn't a bad breakup—but exposing her has become an
uncontrollable turn-on for me. I can't bring myself to throw out the tape,
which I feel is the only way I can control this urge. I sound like an awful
person, but I can't seem to help myself. Your thoughts?

Slave
To Own Penis

Ah,
sometimes the answer is so obvious—take STOP's question here. There is
only one possible response: "Throw the tape out, you fucking piece of lowlife
shit." The damage is already done—those clips and images will live online
forever, and one day STOP's ex or her fiancé or her kids or her grandchildren
will find them. And then, if there's any justice, they'll find STOP and cut his
balls off.

But
what of the other letters in this column? I'm stumped. Tabasco sauce on the
clit? Not into the boyfriend's new rack? Is there hope for short-tongued dykes?
What's up with she-male sacks? And how do you successfully date a Christian
minister who has—let's face facts—already given your ass the
brush-off? I don't have answers for these folks. If you do, gentle readers,
send 'em in and we'll run the mother of all Savage Love web extras sometime in the next couple of
weeks.

Download Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every
Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage.

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