Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.
Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.

Jeff Bezos stepping down as Amazon CEO so he can spend more time with his 180 billion loved ones

Jeff Bezos
Jeff Bezos
Photo: Sajjad HUSSAIN / AFP) (Photo by SAJJAD HUSSAIN/AFP via Getty Images

Famous Twitter troll Elon Musk recently surpassed Jeff Bezos as the richest person in the world, proving that Bezos had wasted his life and would end up with nothing to show for his years of personally bulldozing mom-and-pop businesses and squeezing out unions except for the meaningless title of “second richest person in the world” and $180 billion or so. Now, with his hopes for the future presumably shattered, Bezos has decided to take the only option he has left and step down as Amazon’s CEO. Of course, he’s not just going to retire to his underwater city of rich people and get drunk on magic slugs all day (and/or spend time devising new ways to kill Superman, whichever joke you prefer), he’s going to do something productive with his time and… stay on as the Executive Chair of Amazon’s Board where he can focus on “new products and early initiatives.”

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So it sounds like things might not change that much for him, especially since, like CEO of Amazon, Executive Chair of the Amazon Board sounds like one of those jobs where you make a shitload of money for doing no work. Bezos also explained in his announcement letter to Amazon employees that this move will give him more time to focus on little pet projects like the Bezos Earth Fund, the Blue Origin aerospace company, his Day 1 Fund, and The Washington Post (because we all definitely need more rich people having an hands-on role in news coverage).

You can read Bezos’ full letter at this CNBC link, but just know going in that it’s long and annoying. He talks about how people used to make him explain what the internet was when he was first developing Amazon and how he likes to “tap dance into the office.” This bastard has made $70 billion over the course of the pandemic while the rest of us are supposed to act like a $1,400 check from Joe Biden is some kind of wondrous gift. He has more money than any human being could conceivably spend in an entire lifetime, and the amounts he’s giving to those organizations mentioned up above are a pittance compared to the amount of money he’s made while it took us to write this sentence. He sucks, just like every other asshole with an unnecessarily enormous amount of money sucks, and he’s going to continue to suck while doing whatever he does next.