Jersey Shore: “Where Is My Boyfriend?”

There’s trouble in Snookiland, everyone. No, not that whole cop car crash thing. That didn’t even merit five minutes at the beginning of the show. Instead, this week’s all about Jionni — the American boyfriend — drama.

Here’s the deal: They’ve been fighting all season, but Snooki’s still really excited that he’s coming to visit. He has a tan penis and she wants to get it in. Plus, she thinks they’re going to have guido babies together, though via C-section, of course, because she doesn’t want the whole thing to fuck up her vagina.

Fair enough, right? Anyway, Jionni gets off the plane and shows up at the house. After steeling himself for the deed by taking a show and hanging up his clothes, he and Snooki take over the smush room. However many minutes later, they’re done and the gang’s heading to the club, Snooki clad in a leopard print Jenni-approved “dress,” though both Jionni and Ronny (try saying that five times fast) think it looks more like a bathing suit.

Fast forward nine or ten Camparis, and Snooki’s up on a banquette flashing her vag for the whole world to see. Literally, the whole world, because she’s on international television, not just ripped up in some club, and that’s what sets Jionni off. Like a flash, he’s out of the club and traversing the streets of Florence, supposedly running away from drunk Snooki.

Here’s the thing, though. He’s not really running away from Nicole Polizzi, the girl, right? He’s running away from “Snooki,” this character we see on the Jersey Shore. Sure, Nicole is Snooki and all that, but I think what Jionni’s reacting to is the way she presumably amps herself up in front of the cameras to be more, well, Snooki. Like, if she’s at Snooki level five on their craziest drunken nights without cameras, in Florence, dancing on a bench with her coo-ca out, she’s got to be at level 11.

You can’t blame the guy, really. Sure, in theory he knew what he was getting into, but he started dating Snooki when the show wasn’t taping and they got to know each other as just two semi-fabulous Guidos looking for love. He knew she was kind of a big deal, but somehow, he really didn’t expect for his whole life to be trash television fodder, and that’s fair enough. He’s not running away from just a relationship, but rather something that could affect his livelihood forever.