Credit where it’s due: It takes an absolutely monumental effort of batshit weird energy to wrest the nation’s horrified, slack-jawed attention away from the fecal-flinging toilet hurricane that is the upcoming national election. But god damn if Kim Kardashian hasn’t pulled it off, because we are now completely unable to think about anything on this fucking planet that is not her dead dad’s hologram, and we can only accept that that’s a win.
And we know what you’re all thinking: “AAAAAARRRRGGGHHHH NO MAKE IT ALL STOP IT’S ALL TOO MUCH.” But also: “Wait, didn’t Kim Kardashian already have an extremely stupid news moment this week?” And yes, of course she did, but when you are Kim Kardashian, and you have just turned 40, it turns out that you get a double stupid birthday surprise. In this case, that’s debuting her gift from husband Kanye West, who spent god knows how much money on creating a hologram of Kardashian’s father, the late Robert Kardashian (of David Schwimmer yelling “Juice!” fame), which he then programmed to talk about how cool Kanye West is. (We swear to god, it gets harder to write jokes that are weirder than reality every single goddamn day.)
But you know what? We celebrate this. The creation of a bona fide mystery is a beautiful thing in this world, and this hollow-eyed picture of a talking dead man comes pre-packed to the gills with an endless series of fascinating conundrums. Like: What’s a “peefee”? (Is it a fart? It sounds like it’s a fart.) How would holo-Robert fare if he was one of the pieces on that neat Star Wars chess game that Chewbacca sucks so much at? Is the “firewall” that this digital Force ghost has created around the Kardashian family solely metaphorical, or does the hologram have anti-viral capabilities? Did it get to come to Kim’s magical secret island, and if so, did it have to quarantine for computer viruses before doing so?
Wait, no, don’t go! How does the Tupac hologram get along with his new roommate? Did Schwimmer get right of first refusal to play him? What does the hologram think of O.J.’s weird as fuck Jeffrey Toobin tweet? Why is it so specific about how small Robert Kardashian’s car was? If we never stop thinking about this, can we stave off thinking about anything else? Does Kim Kardashian think having a dead robot father makes her family more relatable to the masses ? WILL KANYE PICK DIGI-ROB TO SERVE AS HIS VP?!!
Okay, okay. We’re okay. Fuck, sorry, this one got away from us. Jesus, though; it’s all so fucking weird.