On March 24th, a bright white flash will blink across the horizon, clouds of billowing smoke will fill the sky, and the dust will settle all around with a resounding, "Duh." In other words, the new (old) season of The Hills will premiere on MTV.
My feelings on The Hills are well documented in this column. Basically, I can't stand it. Yet, I can't escape it. The Hills has a far-reaching idiotic Midas touch: everything it touches turns stupid. In fact, right now I'm wearing 12 prim, LC-style headbands, texting Brody Jenner, and an entire part of my brain sits glumly reserved for the knowledge that Heidi's last name is Montag––and I don't know how any of it happened.
Which is precisely why I've been assigned to review the new episodes of The Hills for TV Club. (That and torture.) In order to prepare for the oncoming deluge of blank stares, WTFs, and nightclub subtitles, I've decided to liveblog the new Hills trailer below. It's a kind of strength training: After sweating and crunching my way through the trailer, I'll be one step closer to hoisting The Hills over my head and throwing it hard against a wall, shattering it.
:01—Sparkles. This was a mistake.
:08—Look! It's one of the many spectres of Death, wearing a bow tie. Wait, that's just Teen Vogue.
:11—Death
:14—Death
:16—Who writes this? Also: Death