Lucky Charms will no longer have artificial coloring, says company who hates fun

By Alex McLevy | June 22, 2015 | 6:35pm

Aux Features Newswire

Almost anyone who grew up eating General Mills’ cereal remembers the beautiful Day-Glo colors thrown off by its iridescent foodstuffs. Lucky Charms, Trix, Reese’s Puffs—one of the joys of consuming these was watching the radioactive-looking hue slowly seep into the milk you poured over them, the growing tinge of toxic sugar shock flooding your dopamine receptors and stoking your parents’ fear they made a terrible mistake buying it for you. Unfortunately, it looks like future generations may no longer get to experience that magical sense you were eating the breakfast cereal equivalent of cigarettes. The Associated Press reports General Mills is removing artificial flavors and colors from all its cereals, an apparent capitulation to the weird people who think food items should be made up of actual food.

This news follows a recent wave of purveyors of America’s least-healthy comestibles attempting to accommodate the growing wish for natural ingredients, including Subway, Pizza Hut, Hershey, and Nestlé. “Silly rabbit, Trix are for health-conscious children who believe in sensible portions and clean living,” will no doubt go one of the new slogans. The company’s newfound desire to eliminate joy from young people’s lives won’t be felt immediately, however, as it admits that cereals like Lucky Charms, which have marshmallows so fake they could make documentaries about their rap careers, will take some time to convert. So gather your pre-diabetes roses while you may, for soon night will fall on the hypercolor daydream that is children’s breakfast cereal. Meanwhile, Count Chocula watches, a single tear falling from his gout-riddled body.