Netflix threatens to bring back Full House

According to TV Line, the streaming service is mere inches away from ordering the Full House sequel, a distance thinner than the excuse that requires three grown men to share a house for longer than is logically necessary. That continuation, called Fuller House, will regrettably not be about the ever-expanding Tanner family finally taking up residence inside one of inventor Buckminster Fuller’s geodesic domes. Instead it will be the far more nonsensical story of an all-grown-up D.J., played with repressed evangelism by Candace Cameron Bure, palling around with her similarly adult friend Kimmy Gibler (Andrea Barber), whose refusal to leave the Tanner household will now function as a meta commentary on the series itself.

Other Full House stars such as John Stamos, Bob Saget, and Dave Coulier are reportedly being “eyed” to make guest appearances, with the same wariness that one eyes a dog after setting out a steak.

Noticeably absent in reports are The Olsen Twins’ Michelle and Jodie Sweetin’s Stephanie, though one assumes they’ll turn up as well—perhaps living beneath the basement floorboards, among the dark, subterranean clan of mole people that D.J. and Kimmy discover and accidentally unleash into the house, filling it fuller than ever before. “Truly, this is now the Fullest House,” the mole people will declare, the new kings of those who want nothing more than to bury themselves in the detritus of the past.