When people talk about the original Space Jam, they often get bogged down in the details: discussions of its cinematic merits, or in long conversations about why Bill Murray and Wayne Knight are there, or in being horny for the rabbit. But Space Jam was not just a movie in which Michael Jordan tricked many of cartooning’s most beloved characters into drinking his Secret Stuff; it was also a triumph of marketing, selling god knows how many toys and soundtracks and T-shirts, largely marketed toward the kind of person who thinks it is very cool to see Sylvester The Cat smoke a cigar and hold a knife. (Also, again: People horny for the rabbit.)
Fittingly enough, for a movie about a man battling against a sentient content algorithm while three different Jokers watch from the sidelines, Space Jam: A New Legacy is apparently set to follow in its predecessors’ footsteps. Warner Bros. Consumer Products shipped out an ungodly-long list of new Space Jam merch earlier today, complete with the usual partnerships with Nike, Spalding, Bloomingdales, and more. But our eyes immediately drifted down to the section listing toys, because you know we can’t wait to have a Wet/Fire Funko Pop keychain hanging out on our desks, right next to our action figures of Taz duking it out with…The Brow.
Who, you ask, is Wet/Fire? C’mon, don’t act like you’re not familiar with The Goon Squad, the sequel’s on-court antagonists, who are all drawn from real-life NBA and WNBA stars and all of whom have objectively terrible names. The simultaneously moist and on fire Wet/Fire is, of course, Golden State Warrior Klay Thompson, presumably because he’s part (with Steph Curry) of “The Splash Brothers,” and also because fire: hot. (Is it making our brains angry that his unwieldy hybrid name is a combination of an adjective and a noun? Absolutely, but that’s just part of his damply warm appeal.) The Brow, meanwhile, is Anthony Davis, who has trademarked his signature unibrow in the real world. (But also, he’s a bird guy? So is it going to be pronounced like “brow” or “crow”? Truly, some questions, not even Moose Toys can explain.)
The toy collections also feature appearances from Damian Lillard’s Chronos and Diana Taurasi’s White Mamba, although Nneka Ogwumike’s Arachnneka is oddly absent, maybe because spider-arms are hard to do. Still, it’s great news for kids who really want to play with Wet/Fire while recreating the film’s action. We can only hope schools are prepared to quell the arguments, tantrums, and violent physical altercations likely to break out when kids realize they can’t all be Wet/Fire, though, and someone’s going to have to be stupid Bugs Bunny instead.