The Jon-Stewart-hosted Oscars is already drawing some harsh criticism (everywhere except this blog) as the worst Oscars ever. I don't think that Jon Stewart did such a bad job. Afterall, it is the Oscars––a three-and-a-half-hour-long ceremony that includes no fewer than 3 films-gone-by montages, countless lackluster speeches, a five-minute address from a man that no one cares about (the Academy President), and a death montage. Basically, the show was built to suck. Any funny moment that squeezes through the suckiness (like those Best Actress campaign commercials) should be applauded. Twice. But since every Oscars ceremony is the worst one ever, (Seriously. Google it.), here are a few more superlatives about last night's show: Laziest Monologue Joke: Dick Cheney accidentally shot Bjork's dress, after travelling back in a time machine to 2001 when that joke mattered. Biggest, Most Upsetting Upset: Crash wins Best Picture, to the amazement of everyone who has seen the movie. By the way, if you enjoy Crash-like, in-depth examinations of race relations, there's a new show on FX you should check out. Here's the trailer. It really digs below the surface of racism in totally unpredictable ways, you know, like Crash did. Puffiest: : Three-way tie between Joaquin Phoenix's post-Cash bloat, Phillip Seymour Hoffman's post-Truman-Capote tummy, and Charlize Theron's gigantic, poofy shoulder bow. Worst Disney/ABC Cross-Promotion: Chicken Little presenting an award. Lemme guess, the DVD's out soon? Ugh. I felt dirty just watching this. Worstest (sorry) Missed Opportunity: Like Scott, I loved the dancing during the Best Song performances. Nothing beats choreographed race relations set against the backdrop of a burning car, or pimping as interpretive dance. I just wonder why there was no dancing during Dolly Parton's Transamerica song. If prostitution and racism can be made into dance, why not hormone-therapy and top-surgery? Any more?