If you're like most Americans, you spend most of the year hobbling around in a fog, dead from the waist down, unable to become effectively aroused by even the sultriest picture (objectively speaking) of John Stamos' incredibly wavy hair. "Who is sexy?" you wonder, "When will I feel again?" Also, "Does Will Smith have a movie coming out soon, or what?"
Then November rolls around and People magazine unleashes their annual "Sexiest Man Alive" issue, and, like green buds emerging on a bare branch after a long cold winter, you begin to feel the warm flush of life again. "Sexy celebrities!" you exclaim, clutching the issue to your (probably heaving) bosom and blushing. "I forgot all about them! I'm not frigid after all. I just needed a list of Johnny Depp's attributes (he lives in France–quirky!) to remind me that sexiness still exists!"
Well, either that, or– this video of Rainn Wilson notwithstanding–you're amazed at how dull and predictable sexiness is:
Obviously, though, the purpose of People's "Sexiest Man Alive" issue isn't to identify who's sexy, or to run the millionth picture of Justin Timberlake in his necktie, or even to provide Dancing With The Stars fans with (more) masturbatory fodder. Its main purpose is to cause controversy amongst the shut-ins, retired fan club presidents, Claymaniacs, and sexually-frustrated moms who write People letters. Why else would they continue to pick Patrick Dempsey as the sexiest runner-up? Here's last year's cover:
I can't wait to read the outraged letters in People next week: "Matt Damon is the sexiest man alive? Are you blind, People? How can you continue to ignore the incredible handsomeness of Patrick Dempsey!!! He's so H-O-T I almost got burned just looking at that picture of him. I almost drowned in his impossibly wavy hair. My glasses fogged up from the sheer steaminess of his ah-mazing eyes. And he's such a dedicated dad…so sexy!! Why is Mc Dreamy always the sexiest man alive bridesmaid, and never the bride?!"