Look, Ryan Reynolds: You’re very charming. You star in fun superhero movies, and you and your wife are very cute together, and you make fun of your bombs, and we like you, okay? But there are lines, and you can’t go crossing them all willy-nilly just because it sounded like a fun idea at the time. So what are we supposed to do, Ryan, with Deadline reporting the news that you’re producing a Home Alone parody about a super-stoned guy fighting off a bunch of thieves, and calling it Stoned Alone?
We’re not joyless buzzkills here, Mr. Reynolds. We like a good dumb pun as much as the next pop culture publication (and probably more, if we’re being honest). But there are places we just can’t go with you, sir, and the title of this project—from director Augustine Frizzell (Never Goin’ Back) and writers Kevin Burrows and Matt Mider—makes us feel like we’re standing on the edge of some dank abyss, an unkind point of no return. This is Home Alone, Ryan, a part of our childhoods so fundamental that not even a cameo from our shitty current president can scour the sequel entirely from our minds. Can’t you treat some other Macaulay Culkin classic to your dark weed-based magic, instead? We’d watch The Potmaster or My Ganj, we promise.
Anyway, Stoned Alone is about a twentysomething weed grower—presumably not Reynolds, who’s just producing—who misses a holiday vacation, gets super high and paranoid, and then realizes thieves have broken into his home. Presumably, he then has to fend them off with a whole bunch of improvised traps, and then spends the rest of his life in prison, because “blow-torching someone’s head” or “beating them with paint cans” is a lot less cute coming from a stoner than its is from a 10-year-old kid. Also, it sounds like it could probably be pretty good dumb fun, which, as you can imagine, is just extra-infuriating for us.