Our nation's most glamorous union-sponsored event, The Screen Actors Guild Awards, may have only lasted for two hours last night, but its pretentiousness will live on, clouding our hearts, strangling our brains, and triggering our gag reflexes forever. The SAG awards advertises as "The Award Show Where Only Actors Vote For Actors," a distinction that presumably is supposed to entice you to watch, which only demonstrates how removed from reality most actors are. Acting: It's What's For Dinner.
See, actors, as a species, are amazing and incredible and important, and you'll know that they're amazing and incredible and important because they'll tell you themselves if given the opportunity. So what better way to kick off an evening of thorough ego-stroking, than with an awkward ego-masturbation montage set to cheeseball porno background music?
How happy are you that Will Arnett and Steve Carell exist? But sharp as they were, Carell and Arnett's arrows of self-awareness did little to deflate the rapidly expanding ego hot air balloon that was the SAG Awards. Below, you'll find a few superlatives:
Best Total Spoiler Clip: Slumdog Millionaire
I know for a fact that there are other scenes in Slumdog Millionaire, so I don't know why they insist upon using the clip that essentially gives away the ending. Maybe they have a product placement deal with Nokia and are trying to get as much mileage out of it as they can?
Best Rutger Hauer: Anthony Hopkins
A little on the skinny side, but he does look a lot like Rutger Hauer now. Congratulations? Good, weird show, Tony.
Worst Tracy Morgan: Jane Krakowski
If you want to know how Krakowski's acceptance speech on behalf of 30 Rock went, just look at the faces of her fellow cast members: they say it all. I'm liking Jane Krakowski more and more on 30 Rock, but outside of 30 Rock, she's prone to making jokes about Ally Mc Beal that would have been terrible when Ally McBeal was still a topical reference. In other words: Deal with it, Cate Blanchett. Bring back Tracy Morgan: spokesperson.
Worst Madonna Accent: Claire Danes
Just because the leaden presenter banter sounded like something best said in a terrible faux-British accent, that's no excuse to actually use a terrible faux-British accent.
Most Homophobic: Joey Fatone
"In this film, you, you play a homosexual, correct?" It's the 90s, Joey Fatone. It's okay to say, "Like Chuck & Larry but for real."
Best Impression Of The Lifetime Acheivement Award: James Earl Jones
This, ladies and gentleman, is an actor. He truly captures the essence of that smiley-face on a stick, and he's not even trying.
Strangest Award Show Equation: Great Sarah Palin Impression > Cancer
I've never seen Christina Applegate on Samantha Who?, so I can't speak as to whether or not she's a better actress than Tina Fey on 30 Rock. (And as Meryl Streep reminded us last night, there is no such thing as "best actress.") But these things aren't really based on merit, anyway. What I can say is that surviving cancer doesn't guarantee you a pity win in an election year at the SAG awards.
Best Way To Keep Gary Oldman From Looking Over His Shoulder: Giant Screenshot Of Heath Ledger As The Joker
Whenever you accept an award on his behalf, Heath Ledger is there, creepily looming in the background in his Joker makeup. Sometimes literally.