Savage Love Extra- June 11, 2008
Readers respond to Dan's advice for
Shitty Boyfriend In The Midwest, who was considering leaving his
layabout girlfriend who moved cross-country for him:
Wow, your response to Shitty Boyfriend In The
Midwest was spectacularly lacking in empathy. It doesn't seem like it occurred
to you that his girlfriend is probably depressed. She sounds isolated and is in
a new environment—her behavior and personality have changed, so she's
obviously having trouble adjusting either to the area or to the living
situation. Rather than kicking her to the curb after she's followed him to the
Midwest, maybe sitting down and having a frank talk about his concerns and the
fact that she might be depressed is in order. If she resists and refuses to
deal with it, then fine, go ahead and cut the cord, for her own good as much as
his.
Bree
I think you missed the mark on SBITM's question
about whether or not to dump his girlfriend. I know "to dump or not to dump"
was the basic thrust of his question, but don't you think he should at least
try to talk to her first about his frustration with her current habits?
Maybe, after moving to the Midwest to be with a
boyfriend who is still in school, she's feeling depressed and isolated, and
after coming home from a (probably soul-sucking) 9-to-5 job that serves only to
pay her bills, the only thing she feels like doing is getting high and zoning
out with the TV on. What are her alternatives? He wants to "study"—that
is not an activity couples can participate in together, and when he studies, it
may isolate her even more. He wants to "go out"—where? What if it's with
his friends or colleagues she doesn't know or doesn't feel comfortable around?
Isolation again. Talking and going out with the boyfriend is something she
should do, but the boyfriend should make a more concerted effort to engage her
in these activities before he totally writes her off and dumps her.
While your point about dumpings being a
necessary and educational part of being in one's 20s is valid, I think you
should have urged him to at least make an effort to talk to her about her
habits and how they are affecting his feelings for her before he gives her the
old heave-ho. Given the chance, she may decide she wants to change her ways,
rather than be dumped by a self-righteous douchebag for whom she moved across
the country.
I'll be interested to see if any other readers
feel the same way.
Jane
I don't think you're being fair to SBITM's
girlfriend. I'm guessing that SBITM is in grad school, from his letter. As a
former grad student, I can confidently state that grad students are a
self-absorbed group, especially the men. She is treating him like crap, yes,
but she's 21, got her first full-time job after college, moved from someplace
possibly metropolitan to what seems likely to be a Midwestern college town, and
her boyfriend probably wants to talk about… what? School, I'm guessing? He
wants to go out… where? To grad-student hangouts? There's not a lot to do in
the Midwest if you don't live in Chicago.