Here's the advice-needed part of my letter: Aside from continuing therapy and getting re-tested, how can I put my life back together? Casual mentions of HIV/AIDS are enough to induce an anxiety attack. I barely sleep at night. My (nonexclusive) relationship with a girl I care about has been ruined. (Or: I ruined it, no passives.) Do you think I have grounds to file an assault charge? I certainly accept my part of the responsibility for this—it was my horniness and carelessness that put me in a vulnerable position, and I did give my consent to the oral sex. But I did NOT give consent to have anal sex with anyone, and if it was a man I didn't consent to ANY of it.
Shortly after this happened, I contacted the person again, asking if she/he was clean. She/he responded by suggesting that we meet again. Would it be a good idea to arrange another meeting? Obviously I wouldn't put myself at further risk, but I could at least figure out the person's gender—by force if I had to.
Scared And Seeking Advice
I'm printing SASA's letter in its entirety so that other young men can learn from his mistakes. His bedrock fuckup—which, to SASA's credit, he identifies himself—was letting his horniness get the better of him. If SASA had been thinking with his head and not his dick, he would have bailed on this "woman" early on in their deeply creepy courtship. Had he paused to think, perhaps he would have remembered the first rule of Internet personals—and everything else, for that matter: "If it sounds too good to be true, IT IS." An attractive girl lurking on a personals site offering no-strings-attached blowjobs and anal sex (but not, curiously enough, vaginal intercourse) to men she's never met? Not on planet Earth. (Yes, yes: There are plenty of women who are into oral, anal, and NSA, but these women are, by necessity, a hell of a lot more cautious than this "woman" was—and they generally don't wear towels over their faces.)
I don't mean to pour salt in your well-salted wounds, SASA. You know you fucked up, and you know how. But I hope you take some comfort in knowing that other young men won't fall for a similar con after reading your story. And I would urge you to stop freaking out about how long you've been freaking out about this. You did something so colossally stupid, so monumentally idiotic, that I would be more concerned if you had bounced back in a week. That would be evidence that you hadn't really learned your lesson. By spending a few months mortifying and terrifying you in turn, SASA, your brain is making sure that you don't let your dick do the thinking the next time someone makes you an offer that's too good to be true.
Okay, let's get to the advice part of your letter. Aside from staying in therapy (which I recommend), getting re-tested (at three and six months), and refraining from stripping naked in a darkened apartment and accepting blowjobs from "women" with towels over their heads, how can you put your life back together? By taking this statement of fact to heart: Your chances of getting HIV from the encounter you describe—briefly being blown, a moment in someone's ass—are vanishingly small. Even if this person is HIV-positive, it's still highly unlikely that you were infected.
But it's not just the fear of HIV infection that's keeping you up nights, is it? What really concerns you is this mysterious person's gender—hence your fantasies about meeting up with this person again and determining her gender "by force." The suspense is terrible, so let's end it: You definitely fucked a dude, SASA. There are a number of homos out there trolling the Internet looking for straight guys. The good ones are only interested in straight guys who are heteroflexible enough to accept a blowjob from another guy without having a panic attack immediately after they come. But there are, I'm sorry to say, a handful of extraordinarily evil faggots out there who will—sometimes with the help of an equally evil female friend—trick straight guys into having sex with them.
Were you raped? Should you press charges? I'm running out of space, but my spider senses tell me that shitloads of people—cops, lawyers, rape counselors, and guys who've been similarly victimized—are going to write in. I'll run their responses, and more of my thoughts, in next week's column.
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