Watching Melissa Carone—the latest “whistleblower” trotted out by Rudy Giuliani and Team Trump—one begins to realize online virality isn’t so much the result of a random confluence of social media aggregations, but the outcome of an established law of physics. For every unhinged MAGA sycophant receiving even the briefest of limelights, there is an equal and opposite round of public mockery online.
This is all to say: No, at this point in The Trump Era, we aren’t surprised at all to watch Rudy Giuliani’s star witness go so off-the-rails at a public hearing that even Rudy felt the need to step in and say something. Hell, we’re giving ourselves whiplash by how quickly our opinion on it fluctuates between doubled-over laughter, sincere wonderment, and abject horror.
Instead, how about we ponder the potential casting choices for the theatrical Carone in the dozen or so Trump-era films, miniseries, and satires we assume are currently making the rounds. Many people, after all, have already either jokingly or sincerely mistaken Carone for Victoria Jackson.
Needless to say, the performance wouldn’t require any kind of real stretch from Jackson, which leads us to SNL’s Cecily Strong, who seems to have already auditioned for the part years ago.
Speaking of SNL, there’s always Kate McKinnon, though producers are probably already looking at her for Rudy. Besides, this is plum role, one just begging for Hollywood’s best and brightest. Perhaps channeling Carone’s combative spirit could help Amy Adams nab her long-deserved Oscar (and wash away some of the Hillbilly Elegy blowback)?
Honestly, maybe a newcomer is best. Here’s one idea:
Our greatest hope, of course, is that Carone will drip from culture like hair dye from her lawyer’s skull, summarily relegated to one of 2020's many footnotes. Sadly, the laws of internet physics are not on our side.
Send Great Job, Internet casting tips to gji@theonion.com