EW reports that Netflix is developing a new Care Bears series, and that anyone who doesn’t like it is just a big old no-heart sourpuss who needs a hug. The rainbow-colored positivity police join the Popples on a programming slate obviously designed to appeal equally to children and stoned people between the ages of 18 and 34, both of whom can easily be persuaded that remembering things and liking them are one and the same.
Although the Care Bears’ cultural influence declined sharply towards the end of the Reagan administration, the Gestapo of giggles apparently continues to rule the land of Care-A-Lot with absolute impunity, forbidding anyone to cry, frown, battle clinical depression, regret their past decisions, or question whether penguins, bears, and monkeys can really be cousins. Dissenters are subject to re-education via the Care Bear Stare, the cheerful equivalent of the Ludovico technique.
