Mariah Carey, not content to act only as the harbinger of Christmas, has tunneled down into the core of the world to bring us strange prophecies related to another holiday. On Monday, the autumn season quickly approaching, Carey emerged from her chambers. Milky-white pupils staring intently into her Twitter feed while wisps of otherworldly vapors dissipated in the air around her, she toggled on caps-lock and brought us a new prophecy: “THANKSGIVING IS CANCELLED.”
The internet tore into the Oracle’s missive, hoping to decode its greater meaning. Some factions speculated that her account had been hacked. Others simply accepted the end of the holiday, seeing Carey’s tweet as a declaration by the Queen Of Christmas that this year we’d spend an extra month in her festive dominion. This group seemed totally fine with it. A cheese brand’s official social media account, helpless to resist a trending topic, chipped in, too. Priests argued loudly in the street over interpretations of the message.
Having regained her strength, Carey returned to share more strange portents. Her followers were already in a frenzy, but the Oracle wasn’t finished.
“THERE CAN BE MIRACLES,” she assured us before dashing any optimism we might feel with an ominous warning of “CALAMITY AND DOG HAIR” to come. Desperate for more, the oracle followed up with references to death and summer. What could she mean? Bells rung and the masses split into opposing groups, knowing with absolute certainty that their understanding of these words were right and that the fate of existence itself hinged on them.
While sectarian violence broke out in cities across the world, Carey devotees warring over the messages (and inadvertently fulfilling her prophecy of “CALAMITY AND DOG HAIR”), the Oracle cleared her head, returned to her keyboard, and revealed the truth behind her cryptic words.
Seriously, Mariah Carey? Fucking chapter titles? That’s what all of this was about? As the swords clatter to the ground and the corpse wagons are driven through the streets, we now have to reflect on how easily we were brought to this state. Never again, the leaders swear, will the Oracle’s statements inspire such passion. Never again, people say at the foot of blazing funeral pyres, will we be so misled.
At least until we get some more tweets from Carey around Christmas.
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