Tom Hanks, Yacht Wear, and Dead Bodies

By Amelie Gillette  |  May 11, 2006 | 5:57pm
Aux Features Hater

What I learned from perusing the June issue of Esquire (a magazine I never asked for, but receive monthly) for 20 minutes: 1. Esquire is now the JC Penny Catalog

Or they use the same photographer. Either way, I've never seen Tom Hanks look less appealing. (cover)

2. Pretentiousness is relative

From Eight Things You Need In Your Backyard (p. 58):

"#2 Bocce is slightly less pretentious than croquet, and decidedly less dangerous than lawn darts. We recommend L.L. Bean's tournament bocce set. $99"

Spending $99 on a glossy Bocce ball set? Not pretentious at all. 3. Packing a suitcase is really, really complicated

So much so that it requires not one, not two, but three diagrams to show you how (p. 68). 4. Apparently, Kyra Sedgwick learned everything she knows about women from watching a combination of Sex & The City and Oprah

From her contributions to a list called 10 Things You Don't Know About Women (p. 74):

1. Before you accuse a woman of being bitchy, walk a mile in her shoes. Her pointy-toed, high-heeled, impossibly uncomfortable shoes.

2. One more thing about the shoes: Most of them hurt too much to wear for too long. So, yes, we really do need that many pairs.

10. Knowing that you love us makes us strong

5. Pictures from the Chechen terrorist attack in Beslan are incredibly horrific

(p. 140-160)

So how does Esquire prepare you for seeing bloodied school-children and countless dismembered bodies?

With ten pages of girls in bikinis and guys in fun nautical wear! (Ahoy Polloi!, p. 130-139) 6. Did you know that rhetorical questions are a fun literary device?

From Ahoy, Polloi! (p. 130):

"The question is, are you man enough to wear one of summer's most luxurious blazers?"

Actually, on second thought, I don't think that question was rhetorical at all.

 
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