It's a question that has plagued humankind for ages: how can we make video games appeal to women? What glitters will they find the most shiny? Which shade of pink will catch their pretty eyes? Can we replace all the blood and violence (which goes against the natural lady temperament) with things that are pleasing to women, like engagement rings and eyeshadow or something?

Finally, though, someone has come up with an answer: Condescend to women. They'll love it.

From Variety:

Paramount is getting "Clueless," hanging with the "Mean Girls" and looking "Pretty in Pink" for its first slate of videogames.

Studio is co-publishing casual games based on those three pics from its library for release later this year.

Sandi Isaacs, head of Par's videogame biz, said she and her team picked those three pics to adapt first because they have more female appeal, and casual vidgames are primarily played by women.

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Aside from one round of Rock Band, the last time I played a video game was when Nintendo released Duck Hunt a million years ago. Even then, I wasn't too enthused. Halfway through the second game, when my brother wasn't looking, I pressed the gun directly up to the TV screen when shooting–thus making the object of the game to cheat in the most spectacular manner possible without getting caught by your opponent, rather than to shoot more cartoon ducks than your opponent. Guess which was more fun?

That is to say, I am not the target audience for this or any other video game. Still, even though my lack of interest in video games is vast, I can't imagine a video game I would want to play less than Pretty In Pink: Prom Paradise. Something tells me these "games" are going to be about as thrilling as picking out khakis to put on the Land's End Virtual Model. I thought the whole point of video games based on movies was to give the player the chance to experience the excitement of the world of the movie (and also the excitement of killing someone in that world). Is there anyone, male or female, who wants to experience the excitement of the Blaine-dumped-Andy loneliness montage in Pretty-in-Pink?

If you're going to condescend to women gamers, Paramount, at least do it all the way. Why not Steel Magnolias: Shelby's Return, in which players battle a zombie Shelby by throwing tears at her lumbering corpse (Tears are earned by gossiping at the beauty shop). Or Not Without My Daughter: Escape From Alfred Molina, in which players must absorb a certain amount of Alfred Molina's yelling, before gaining the speed required to run out of Iran.