Will The Real O’Neals please stand up?

By LaToya Ferguson | March 2, 2016 | 6:00am

TV Features TV

Here’s what’s up in the world of TV for Wednesday, March 2. All times are Eastern.

Top pick

The Real O’Neals (ABC, 8:30/9:30 p.m.): Black-ish kept it super real last week, so now it must atone for that by being taken off the air this week. Instead, we now get the first episodes of The Real O’Neals, a show that stars both Martha Plimpton and Jay R. Ferguson and expects us not to get sad about Raising Hope or Mad Men. “Based in Chicago, the O’Neals appear to be a seemingly picture perfect family, but their lives soon take an unexpected turn when surprising truths are revealed.” The truths are son Kenny coming out of the closet and an impending divorce. That second one might not be in the promos, but blame the synopses for dropping that bomb. And the pre-air review from Erik Adams is right over here.

Top pick No. 2: We had no pithy headline for this

Hap And Leonard (Sundance, 10 p.m.): You know we love a Sundance TV show, but sometimes you just have to go with the easy pick, you know? You know. Here—we’ll let you read Joshua Alston’s pre-air review of Hap And Leonard, in which he calls the James Purefoy/Michael K. Williams two-hander an “intoxicating crime caper.” It’s also got Christina Hendricks, because The Real O’Neals isn’t the only Wednesday night show to star a Mad Men alum. You should probably watch both shows back to back. As for regular coverage? Brandon Nowalk has us all covered.

Also noted

The Goldbergs (ABC, 8 p.m.): Yes, this is a new, special time for The Goldbergs (and sadly, that means no new episode of The Middle tonight). “Series Annual Movie Homage Episode Is ‘Dirty Dancing.’” When you say it like that, you take away literally all of the excitement for what should be a good episode of television. So yes, that’s not a cool way to promote this at all, but we are still excited about this episode of The Goldbergs. Will Harris wanted us to say that we’ve had the time of our lives thinking about the episode, but we’re not his puppets. We’re not your puppets, Will Harris!

Modern Family (ABC, 9 p.m.): Modern Family did it. It named an episode “I Don’t Know How She Does It.” Have fun, Kyle Fowle.

American Crime (ABC, 10 p.m.): Once you’ve watched extremely light-hearted ABC comedies (again, there is an episode of ABC television titled “I Don’t Know How She Does It” tonight), why not watch American Crime and read Pilot Viruet’s review? You know, the exact opposite of extremely light-hearted. It looks like Kevin may finally—finally—have something stick to him in this whole mess, as “leaked personal information implicates both Kevin and Becca to the shooting.” Sadly, probably not though. Is this show bleak or what? We love it.

It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia (FXX, 10 p.m.): Finally, “The Gang Goes To Hell.” Is this the episode where the show jumps the shark (is that actually even possible?) or is this the natural progression of the series? Honestly, we’re leaning toward the latter. “The gang tries to take a vacation from their usual dynamic by going on a cruise, but old habits die hard.” And then they end up in Hell? What is happening, Dennis Perkins? Say, have you guys seen a little show called Lucifer?

Regular coverage

Survivor (CBS, 8 p.m.)

Star Wars Rebels (Disney XD, 9 p.m.)

Broad City (Comedy Central, 10 p.m.)

Younger (TV Land, 10 p.m.)

Elsewhere in TV Club

So there’s this Netflix show called House Of Cards. We don’t know if you’ve heard of it, but maybe you have. It comes back for its fourth season on Friday. But this is Wednesday, and right now, you can ready Lisa Weidenfeld’s pre-air review of the new season. She calls it “frustrating” like it always is, but if you haven’t heard of it, you might not know about that.

What else is on?

Greatest Animal Commercials Countdown (The CW, 8 p.m.): The CW fills the time interestingly, that’s for sure.

Rosewood (Fox, 8 p.m.): Rosewood is back with its winter premiere, “Paralytics And Priorities.” That sounds fun, right? Wrong! “Picking up where the series left off after the fall finale, the search for the serial killer takes a very personal turn, as Rosewood and Villa must follow a trail of clues left for Rosie, before another victim falls prey.” See? Not fun at all.

Young & Hungry (Freeform, 8 p.m.): “Young & Therapy” makes zero fucking sense.

The Mysteries Of Laura (NBC, 8 p.m.): It’s the second season finale of The Mysteries Of Laura, and Jenna Fischer is apparently in this episode of television (“The Mystery Of The End Of Watch”).

Lab Rats: Elite Force (Disney XD, 8:30 p.m.): We believe this is a spin-off, otherwise its synopsis is very presumptuous about our knowledge of these characters. “After the Mighty Med hospital is destroyed, Kaz, Oliver, and Skylar join forces with Bree and Chase to form a powerful elite force that combines bionic heroes and superheroes. Together, they vow to track down the villains and keep the world safe.”

Baby Daddy (Freeform, 8:30 p.m.): Ah, “The Dating Game.” Now that is an episode title. Unfortunately, the synopsis is nonsense: “Tucker misunderstood Zoey, Danny misunderstood Sam and Bonnie misunderstood a new girlfriend, on an all-new episode of Baby Daddy.” Oxford commas matter.

Duck Dynasty (A&E, 9/9:30 p.m.): Duck Dynasty ends its ninth season with—and this is serious—”RV There Yet?,” parts one and two. Let us know how that goes, would you?

Criminal Minds (CBS, 9 p.m.): In “Derek” (yes, there are flashbacks), “when Morgan is abducted, the BAU scrambles to find him and save his life.” And his dad is there! Oh, why is that exciting? His dad is played by Danny Glover! “Legendary actor” Danny Glover, as the synopsis states. Also, this is a Thomas Gibson-directed episode. Does the cast all just take turns directing the show on a week-to-week basis?

Hell’s Kitchen (Fox, 9 p.m.): “Chef Ramsay surprises the contestants with a rockin’ performance from Grammy Award-winning guitarist Steve Vai, to illustrate the similarities between musicians and cooks in their ability to make magic with just one instrument.” What if we decide we want to rewatch again (yes, again) Kitchen Confidential instead?

Little Women: LA (Lifetime, 9 p.m.): “The ladies wonder if they’ve lost a friend after Terra’s fight with Tonya and Elena.” Probably.

Law & Order: Special Victims Unit (NBC, 9 p.m.): “An investigation into the sexual exploitation of underage Catholic schoolgirls leads to shocking charges against judges, legislators, DAs, and members of the NYPD.” We could say this every week about the plot of a Law & Order: SVU, but: yikes.

Face Off (Syfy, 9 p.m.): “The artists take beautiful, yet evil sorceresses and transform them into their hideous true selves in a twisted fantasy challenge.” How about you? What are you doing this Wednesday?

Newlyweds: The First Year (Bravo, 10 p.m.): It’s the season three finale! And it’s called “How To Get Away With Marriage,” because we guess it’s supposed to be cute.

CSI: Cyber (CBS, 10 p.m.): Surprise CSI: Cyber episode! And the episode, “Python’s Revenge,” is clearly the CSI: Cyber we all know and, um, know: “Cyber’s most notorious criminal, Python, returns to kidnap Avery’s surrogate daughter, making the team decipher a series of elaborate code-like puzzles in an attempt to save her life.” Yep!

Kocktails With Khloé (FYI, 10 p.m.): The episode is “Drunk In Love,” because Khloe Kardashian is the Beyonce of Kardashians or something.

Chicago P.D. (NBC, 10 p.m.): Chicago Platt Update: Ooh, Charisma Carpenter’s in this episode! BUT NO OLIVER PLATT!

Wild Things With Dominic Monaghan (Travel Channel, 10 p.m.): “Dom visits the Philippines in search of flying lizards.” Just keep following your truth, bro.

Man Seeking Woman (FXX, 10:30 p.m.): “Rosa wants her boyfriend to be exclusive.” Well maybe Josh should make that a law too. He probably wouldn’t want to, but you know.

Teachers (TV Land, 10:30 p.m.): “Ms. Bennigan is assigned to teach a new subject with which she’s uncomfortable and Ms. Snap battles a helicopter parent.” But when does Ms. Bristow battle a helicopter?!?

Suits (USA, 10 p.m.): And just like that, season five of Suits has reached its end. Is Mike going to prison? Only if this is the series finale, right? Not that we have a problem with Mike going to prison and everyone else moving on with their lives…

Watch What Happens: Live (Bravo, 11 p.m.): Kristin Chenoweth and Chrissy Teigen are letting us all know what happens… live.

Hook (BBC America, 8 p.m.): Always remember the moral of this film: Never have children. They will ruin your life and get brainwashed and ruin your life some more.

Jaws (IFC, 8 p.m.): The moral of this film? If you do end up having children, feed them to sharks.

Sports, sports, all type of sports

Bundesliga Soccer: Bayern Munich vs. Mainz (FS1, 2 p.m.)

Barclays Premier League Soccer: Liverpool vs. Manchester City (NBC Sports, 2:55 p.m.)

College Basketball: Davidson at Virginia Commonwealth (CBS Sports, 7 p.m.)

College Basketball: Tulane at Central Florida (ESPNews, 7 p.m.)

College Basketball: Texas Tech at West Virginia (ESPNU, 7 p.m.)

NBA Basketball: Bulls at Magic (FSN, 7 p.m.)

NBA Basketball: Pistons at Spurs (ESPN, 8 p.m.)

NHL Hockey: Blackhawks at Red Wings (NBC Sports, 8 p.m.)

College Basketball: Seton Hall at Butler (FS1, 8:30 p.m.)

College Basketball: Creighton at Providence (CBS Sports, 9 p.m.)

College Basketball: Oregon at UCLA (ESPN2, 9 p.m.)

College Basketball: East Carolina at South Florida (ESPNU, 9 p.m.)

NBA Basketball: Thunder at Clippers (ESPN, 10 p.m.)

LPGA Tour Golf: HSBC Champions (Golf Channel, 10:30 p.m.)

College Basketball: Colorado State at Fresno State (CBS Sports, 11 p.m.)

College Basketball: Oregon State at Southern California (FS1, 11 p.m.)

Lucha Underground (El Rey, 8 p.m.)

WWE NXT (WWE Network, 8 p.m.)

Ring Of Honor (Comet TV, midnight)

In case you missed it

American Crime Story: If it has “American Crime” in the title, Pilot Viruet reviews it.