Meet the finest crop of young mullets America has to offer

The 2022 USA Mullet Championship's Kids Division is overflowing with worthy competitors

By Reid McCarter  |  August 18, 2022 | 4:36pm
Aux Features Bart Harley Jarvis
Meet the finest crop of young mullets America has to offer
Eight-year-old Wisconsin competitor Emmitt Bailey is ready for battle. Screenshot: FOX 9 Minneapolis-St. Paul

In “Baby Of The Year,” the sketch we called I Think You Should Leave’s best to date, we’re introduced to a range of baby pageant competitors with excellent names, like Michael Patrick Porkins, Taffy Lee Fubbins, Little Denny Doo Dinkins, Tiny Dinky Daffy, and Bart Harley Jarvis (before we go any further: Harley Jarvis can go to hell).

“Baby Of The Year” is fiction. And yet, as made extremely clear by the 2022 Kids Division contestants at the USA Mullet Championships, reality is never far behind.

We were alerted to Mullet Championships thanks to Michelle Hanley on Twitter, who, in a post given the seal of approval by a retweet from the official Championships Twitter account, introduced us to a range of competitors “and their absolutely fucked up names.”

A few of the most outstanding would-be champs are shown in the tweet. There’s the pint-sized Rustin Alphin, Oklahoma’s Landry Turpin, the suitably named Epic Orta, and, the boy this author endorses for this contest, William Dale Ramsey.

But, these four are only a small selection of a larger, very impressive 2022 pool. The USA Mullet Championships’ Instagram shared a photo spread of each would-be kings of the mullet, showing front and side profiles that illustrate exactly what they’ve brought to the event.

Detailed views of the contestants are shown on the official website so that voters can properly assess the talent before giving their support. We’ve got Zander Trainer with straightened locks, Emmett Miller with neatly trimmed bangs, and Jameson Redd with a brushed top/stringy back combo.

CBS News explains that, aside from growing and manicuring their luxurious mops, entry to the competition cost $10, with these fees going to the Michigan Wig Foundation charity. The winner will receive $2,500 and voting is open on the USA Mullet Championships site until tomorrow.

Though we made our pick clear above, we’ll be happy to see any one of these warm-necked warriors win the big prize. And to those who don’t make it, our hope is that they understand what an opportunity it is to have another entire year to continue crafting their mullet and, who knows, maybe even pick up a new middle name in the process.

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