Pretty much every plot summary on this show can be completed with the phrase, “because he’s kind of a dick.” Observe: “Mike sneaks Boyd out of the house on Halloween to go trick-or-treating, even though Kristin has told him she’s against it.” (Wait for it… wait for it…) “Because he’s kind of a dick.” Todd VanDerWerff isn’t against trick-or-treating, but he
against costumes and candy. Good luck to his future children.
WHAT ELSE IS ONThe Real Rocky (ESPN, 8 p.m.): So as it turns out, there was some dude who was kinda, sorta the inspiration for the boxing movie
Rocky, which means that ESPN decided to make a documentary out of it, because there’s really not much of anything else going on tonight. Anyway, Scott Tobias gets acquainted with Bayonne, N.J.’s own Chuck Wepner, which is not a very intimidating name, is it?
Zombies: A Living History (History, 8 p.m.): Imagine if The Walking Dead were a fictional History Channel documentary, filmed from the point of view of a future documentarian making a film and collecting the few existing historical records about the zombie apocalypse of centuries ago, sort of a combination of World War Z, Lost Prophecies Of Nostradamus, and The Handmaid’s Tale. Yeah, this probably isn’t anything like that, but it’s fun to dream.
Bomb Patrol: Afghanistan (G4, 10 p.m.): The challenge for these cable reality shows is to put as much information as possible right there in the title. What’s this show about? A bomb patrol! Where does the bomb patrol, er, patrol? Afghanistan! Brandon Nowalk checks in with this new show to see if anything unexpected happens. (But, really, the unexpected on this show would involve a lack of explosions, right? Or that the show was actually good.)
Homicide Hunter: Lt. Joe Kenda (Investigation Discovery, 10 p.m.): See, this one also has it all right there in the title, though it sort of relies on you knowing who Lt. Joe Kenda is, and we don’t. We’re just going to assume he’s a Ken doll who’s had life breathed into him by Mombi’s Powder Of Life from The Marvelous Land Of Oz, a Ken doll now filled with an unquenchable thirst for JUSTICE.
The Blair Witch Project/Book Of Shadows: Blair Witch 2 (TMC, 8 p.m.): If you’re looking for an evening wherein you watch one of the more influential horror films of the last 25 years, followed immediately by a sequel that seems particularly pointless and bizarre—even by the standards of sequels—well, you’ve come to the right place. Also: Who else wonders whatever happened to the whole Blair Witch crew? Look upon their works, ye Paranormal Activity braintrust, and fear.
La Dolce Vita (Flix, 8 p.m.): We were sorely disappointed that there hasn’t been an animated, American remake of this movie, where the journey of Marcello Mastroianni’s gossip columnist is filled by a cute hedgehog, and Anita Ekberg is “played” by a super-sexy chipmunk. Anyway, until that inevitability, you can watch a version with—ugh—subtitles tonight. (And, really, you should. Unless you don’t get Flix. Because who does?)
1986 World Series: Game 6: Red Sox at Mets (ESPN Classic, 9 p.m.): Yeah. That game. The one with the grounder between Buckner’s legs that made him the goat for ages and ages, even though the real scapegoat should have been (insert name of your preferred scapegoat here, and pretend you are a sports columnist for a newspaper in a mid-sized market in Ohio).
IN CASE YOU MISSED ITEnlightened (Monday): Amy’s journey toward enlightenment just keeps getting more and more exciting! She’s in debt! Her attitude is adjusting ever-so-slightly! Sometimes, she just stands there and watches the world pass by with a wry grin on her face!
This, ladies and gentlemen, is riveting television, and you should be thankful Erik Adams is there to recap every glorious, heart-stopping minute.
