All along it was Ridley Scott who plotted to remake Murder On The Orient Express

By Sean O'Neal | December 13, 2013 | 8:13pm

Aux Features Film

As life’s luxury train rattled on into the night, producers Ridley Scott and Simon Kinberg slipped stealthily into the Fox studio and stabbed a pen into ink, which they then used to senselessly, mercilessly sign a deal to remake Murder On The Orient Express. Agatha Christie’s classic mystery novel had been sleeping peacefully for several years, only fitfully awakened since its acclaimed 1974 movie version by small-screen adaptations on the British series Poirot and a modernized CBS TV movie in 2001 that starred Alfred Molina and Meredith Baxter, the details of which are too ghastly to recite in polite company.

But in a final twist, it seems Scott and Kinberg have conspired to commit Murder to film all over again, in a movie that has yet to be revealed as a modern update or a period piece—possibly influenced by the fact that the Orient Express no longer operates, and that today, most people just kill each other right out in the open air. Still, we have our suspicions regarding whether it will actually get made, seeing as Simon Kinberg is plenty busy prepping Star Wars movies and overseeing Fox’s X-Men universe, and Ridley Scott’s crawlspace is littered with the bodies of all the projects he’s signed onto then disposed of without a second thought. We shall now spend the next several months weighing those suspicions in one long monologue.