America, please don't follow Michael Moore into civil war tomorrow

Tomorrow is the Fourth of July, the day when Americans briefly set aside their differences and come together to celebrate what a great nation this is to get sweaty, buzzed, and overfed in. It’s true that our union of uneasy cohabitation has perhaps never been more tested. There are marches in the streets. There are children being held in prisons down at the borders. Every day brings more news of violence and division, more threats against those basic civil liberties at the foundation of our country—and we can’t even seem to agree on what these headlines are actually saying. Of course we can’t! We couldn’t agree on whether fucking Last Man Standing should have been canceled. A show that, to some, already got six seasons and runs in continuous, 18-hour chunks every day in syndication anyway, is to others a bulwark of conservative values that must be continuously rebuilt, at whatever cost, to epically own the libs. America can’t even unite behind whether we’ve had enough Tim Allen. How can we be expected to put on shorts and get drunk next to one another?
But while it is true that this Fourth of July feels especially tense, if only subtextually, I implore you, my fellow countrymen: Please, don’t let Rob Reiner and Michael Moore launch our civil war tomorrow.
Yes, everyone who watches Twitter was told this week by Alex Jones of this open globalist plot to overthrow America using the cover of Fourth of July, when things are at their most symbolically back-dropped. “The globalists, the multinational corporations, the Chinese communists that fund them—they believe that 2018, July 4, will be the final July Fourth,” Jones said in his first “emergency live transmission” on June 30. It was necessary to forego the usual festoonery you expect from InfoWars, given the obvious urgency of the situation.
“Rob Reiner has called it ‘the final battle in the Civil War,’” Jones declared, quoting the Princess Bride director as he spoke before the grimly serious leftist conclave that is a post-screening Q&A. “Michael Moore on Bill Maher last night called Trump ‘the last American president.’” These war cries, recently also heard across the poppy fields of The Late Show With Stephen Colbert, all presage an immediate, impending, fatally violent overthrow of our government, Jones warns. Tomorrow, millions will take to the streets for a full-on assault, wreaking prescheduled havoc guided by our most revered liberal commanders: filmmakers and frequent talk show guests Rob Reiner and Michael Moore. And this time, unlike the last time, Jones is serious.
If you are a liberal who’s reading this in between stabbing practice dummies down at the camp, we know that the mental image Jones concocts here stirs the blood. You saw all of this in your mind’s eye the moment Alex Jones painted it for you, then added vivid new dialogue in his follow-up broadcast from July 1.