America to laugh heartily at the theft of Canada's maple syrup

By Sean O'Neal | September 24, 2013 | 9:53pm

Aux Features Film

In one of the two possible crimes not involving moose that can be committed in Canada, thieves made off with some $20 million in maple syrup last year, leaving the world’s pancakes teetering perilously on the edge of dryness. And while this is hardly a laughing matter in Canada, we Americans—smug in the knowledge that, look, there’s also blueberry and boysenberry, and whatever else is in that IHOP tray—will turn what we’ll just go ahead and assume is Canada’s biggest-ever crisis into a Jason Segel comedy. Because what's Canada gonna do about it? They can’t even guard syrup.

Deadline says Seth Gordon is attached to direct the “comedy with dramatic overtones,” interspersing dramatic scenes of Canadians moistening their back bacon with naught but their tears with some sort of comic narrative involving Segel, whose role is as yet unknown. Though, hopefully, Segel’s entire purpose will be to pop up, Hee Haw-style, every few minutes to declare, “Now this is what I call a sticky situation!” before heading back to America where real shit happens.