Well, I did not get the top three I had hoped for. I don't know if there is a single singer left on Idol who I really hope wins the competition, but there is one person who I do hope does not win: can you guess who that is?
Before the eliminations began we watched our Ford music video set to "Move Along," with the singers jumping out of magazines and billboards and things to chase after a car. Haven't we seen a video pretty much just like this a few weeks ago? I'm just saying, I bet I could come up with ten unique video concepts. Here's one: the idols hop in their Ford and go to a petting zoo singing something from Pet Sounds. Pay me, please.
The top four sang "School's Out" with Slash accompanying them, and the song was shockingly antiestablishment for Idol. It really did seem to rile up the teenagers too, because after the line "School's been blown to pieces", Allison pretty much punched Danny in the chest while she sang, and he looked like he wanted to kick her in the back. How were Slash's licks and riffs, you ask? One word: hot. And he wore the top hat. Without it, I realized that he is about Seacrest-high.
Ryan then chatted with the contestants a little bit. I thought was kind of a dick to Kris, asking "Don't you feel like you should be here?" obviously egging Simon on to tell Kris that we don't want the contestants to be humble (which isn't true. Confidence and humility are not mutually exclusive.) Danny earned back a few points with me, admitting that the screeching final note during his performance was last night was terrible and hilarious. For that reason though I wanted him to be eliminated more than ever since it would have been delightful to have him leave the show on that note.
Then, ladies and gentlemen, Ms. Paula Abdul performed to her song "I'm Just Here For the Music." I wasn't expecting Paula to come close to singing live, so I wasn't surprised when she used an autotuner and at one point a prop microphone in addition to her head mic (she recycled both the rocking microphone and the red banners from her "Dance Like There's No Tomorrow" video). Paula's body looked fantastic but I was a little let down by her dancing. Her bevy of male backup dancers and the moves in general smacked of second-rate Britney Spears or Madonna. Paula just looked a teensy bit rusty up there but good for her, regardless, it was nice to see her doing her thing, even if the performance had some super-cheesy elements like a fake tabloid cover featuring Paula and Simon being torn in half IN FRONT OF OUR VERY EYES. Also, Idol went back to flashing random words on the screen during performances. The producers really need to cut that out.
Then the producers rolled a pretaped No Doubt performance although I don't know how it could have been much worse had it been live. Gwen Stefani was obviously singing, because if she weren’t, she'd sound much better. She talk-shouted "I'm Just a Girl" and the weird thing was that she looked exactly as she did when that song started making the band famous way back when, with her muscle shirt and the pushups and everything. No Doubt is a band I've never been able to hate but there was something not quite right about this tribute to itself from so long ago. Also, this tour to promote nothing smacks of "I need to get away from my kids and my band needs some money." Maybe not, though. Maybe it'll be a great tour and they're just saving their good stuff for the road.
Ryan began announcing the top three in random order, starting with "humble Kris.” I wasn't surprised at all, again, he's the dreamiest of the contestants (in the traditional sense), so he'll get to enjoy his visit back to Arkansas before next week’s show.
Chris Daughtry came back and he is still showing off some very questionable facial hair. Is there a name for the shape that his beard takes as it meanders into sideburns? It looks almost mathematical. Anyway, Chris, who is apparently still married, has had a lot of success with his band Daughtry and so enjoys being in a band that he even let one of his band members talk to the camera. He sang "No Surprise," a Daughtryesque rock ballad which itself was forgettable, but Chris sang powerfully. I feel like he and David Cook aren't that tremendously different from each other, except that maybe Chris is a bit more country.
We learned, no surprise, that Adam was in the top three. I'm looking forward to his visit-home montage. So it was between Danny and Allison for elimination, and I wanted Allison to make it, but as Ryan put it, "Danny……………………………………………………….you are safe.” Wah.
Well, Allison Iraheta had a good run and I don't doubt that she'll have a future for herself: Ryan promised her that he'd be playing her music on the radio and Slash told her she kicked the ass of many other singers twice her age. The thumbs-up she gave at the end of her video was very cute and Simon especially seemed tickled by it.
Anyway, we have a sausage fest of a top three this year. I predict Kris and Adam will be top two and of course if Kris wins that means America hates gays and Miss California becomes the new queen of America.
Grade: B
Stray observations:
—In Idol-related news, sad news about David Cook's brother.
—I feel like Paula Abdul is pushing a dangerous pro-music and pro-dance agenda that could really be a threat to this country.