Those lucky few who got to see back-to-back film trailers in the theater for Whalefall and Resident Evil came away thinking one thing: This Austin Abrams kid needs a break. The put-upon lead of both movies has spent the year in the belly of a whale and in the infected town of Raccoon City, and he’s been so charismatic during his struggles (especially going back to Weapons and Wolfs, in which he’s also under fire) that we at The A.V. Club thought, let’s keep this going. If this is to be his brand, so be it. So, what kind of pressure cooker should Austin Abrams find himself in next?
Living through a Final Destination movie
Final Destination Bloodlines gave us a look at what it’s like for a scuzzy smart aleck to wait around while he’s surrounded by people dying in obscenely complicated ways—in that film, the role is taken on by a charming Richard Harmon—which means that it’s the perfect time to cast a freaked-out Austin Abrams in the franchise as someone unrelated to (but nearby) Death’s ever-approach wrath. Imagine how fun it would be to watch Abrams weather his neighbors’ or classmates’ or coworkers’ increasingly hard-to-believe executions thanks to various household objects, just because he was in the same ZIP code as an accident that got prevented thanks to mysterious psychic foresight. Imagine the scene in Resident Evil where zombies drop from the rooftops, but it’s just people Abrams’ character kind of knows from around town, falling off of buildings thanks to a series of Rube Goldberg machines. The only thing funnier than a good Final Destination movie is watching a Final Destination movie happen from the outside. [Jacob Oller]
Die Hard for a new generation
Technically, Resident Evil already put Austin Abrams through some of his John McClane paces—in the elevator scene at the Umbrella Corporation facility, at least. But that and the very cramped quarters of Whalefall just whet the appetite for seeing Abrams in another “one very bad day in the life” scenario, albeit one where he tries his hand at the dry, cool one-liners that came so naturally to Bruce Willis in the Die Hard franchise. Or maybe the Weapons actor retains the nervous chatter and general nerviness, giving us a John McClane for a new generation, one that wouldn’t take crawling through vents or fending off a coordinated attack quite so on the chin. [Danette Chavez]
A backstage farce
The enchanted minions of Aunt Gladys, the hazardous malfeasance of the Umbrella Corporation, and the innards of a whale—formidable foes, each. But have you considered pitting Hollywood’s current avatar of screaming in the face of insurmountable odds against… an egotistical star who won’t come out of her dressing room? Or a demanding director whose entire opening night has just gone to shit? Imagine Austin Abrams as the stage manager of a high-stakes Broadway production (or, for potentially bigger laughs, a community-theater production where temperatures are running hot)—the one relatively normal person amid a gaggle of big personalities, just trying to hold everything together until curtain call. This kind of thing is normally an ensemble affair, but given Abram’s two most recent roles, let’s put the focus squarely on him. He’s the keeper of everyone’s secrets, the one guy who, if he weren’t being pulled in a million directions at any moment, could clear up every last comedic misunderstanding. At some point, that guy’s going to snap—preferably during a crucial moment in the play’s final scenes, where his outburst is bound to make maximum impact. [Erik Adams]
An adaptation of Overcooked
Few games are more stressful than the cooking simulator Overcooked, and since proving himself the ultimate Resident Evil player in this year’s adaptation, arguably the first great video game movie ever made, Austin Abrams needs a new challenge. Might I suggest he throw on an apron and manage a kitchen all by his lonesome? Overcooked sees an understaffed eatery under near-constant assault from customers, as they cook, clean, and serve without a moment’s rest. Having survived Raccoon City by the skin of his teeth, Abrams would work his way through even more insatiable hordes, though this time they’ll be paying good money. Abrams has proven himself a Harrison Ford-esque savant at injecting self-effacing humor in stressful situations. In Overcooked, he can finally get a real-world scenario to accompany his Weapons and Whalefall frenzy, something he could really sink his teeth into as he sweats under the heat lamps. [Matt Schimkowitz]
A Safdie-esque financial fiasco
Few movies feel as stressful to me as Safdie joints like Uncut Gems or Good Time, and I’d be interested to find Austin Abrams in a situation where he’s got to come up with a bunch of money in a hurry. Of course, these types of stories tend to be a bit more grounded in reality than, say, getting eaten alive by a whale (though the odds of that are not zero), but Abrams has the young, puckish energy that could take him to some of the most harrowing corners of New York like it’s the most obvious thing in the world. Maybe Josh Safdie can take some inspiration from Resident Evil and slot Abrams into a flick about the world of underground organ-harvesting. [Drew Gillis]
A haunted monastery with a vow of silence
Look, I liked Zach Cregger’s Resident Evil just fine, clapping along happily at its mega-gory riffs on video game crazy person logic, and enjoying Abrams’ endlessly abused attempt to hold on to baseline reality. But his motormouthed “Aw fuck, aw fuck, aw fuck” routine did start to grate on me about 30 minutes in—so why not make that tension the point? Drop Abrams’ loquacious slacker archetype into a haunted monastery, operating under a supernaturally inflicted vow of silence; every time someone—you know who—mutters “I can’t believe this shit is happening to me!” to themselves, another demon monk shows up, or a holy water cistern explodes, or something else suitably religious/lethal occurs. (I guess you could also just plunk him down into an A Quiet Place movie, but I think Satanic “Shhh!”‘s are a lot scarier than big mean aliens.) [William Hughes]
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