Behold the subtle sensuality of erotic fan-fiction written in the voice of Groot

Groot, the Vin Diesel-voiced anthropomorphic tree monster from Guardians Of The Galaxy, has quickly become one of the summer’s most popular characters, charming audiences with his loyalty and single-sentence vocabulary. And so, because it is 2014, and because he is a popular character, the Internet has of course spawned erotic stories starring the floral felon.

There is a twist, though, in the following story, written just three days after the movie’s release by smut-peddler sherlocksmyth: “I Am Groot” is told entirely from Groot’s perspective. Labeled NSFW and explicit, it allows the tree to express in his own words the depths of his sexual delights and torments. Here’s an excerpt:

I am Groot?

I AM GROOT. I am Groot. I am Groot. “I am Groot,” I am Groot.

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I am Groot. I am Groot. I am Groot. I am Groot. I am Groot, I am Groot, I am Groot – I am Groot; I am Groot, I am Groot, I am Groot. I am Groot. I am Groot. I am Groot. I AM GROOT!

I am Groot. I. Am. Groot. I am Groot? I am Groot. I am Groot. I am Groot. I am Groot. I am Groot. I am Groot. I am Groot. I am Groot. I am Groot. I!!! AM!!! GROOT!!!

I.

AM.

GROOT.

I am Groot. I am Groot. I am Groot. I am Groot. I am Groot. I am Groot. I am Groot. I am Groot. I am Groot. I am Groot. I am Groot. I am Groot. I am Groot. I am Groot. I am Groot. I am Groot. I am Groot. I am Groot. I am Groot. I am Groot. I am Groot. I am Groot. I am Groot. I am Groot. I am Groot. I am Groot. I am Groot. I am Groot. I am Groot. I am Groot. I am Groot. I am Groot. I am Groot. I am Groot. I am Groot. I am Groot. I am Groot. I am Groot.

It’s like a perverse Rorschach test, as your mind struggles to figure out which iterations of “I am Groot” relate to which coniferously carnal acts. Or maybe you just sigh and shake your head, muttering about people with too much time on their hands. Either way, the story exists, and now you know about it, so you’re welcome.

On a vaguely related note: If you look online—maybe because you’re writing a post about Groot fan-fiction for a popular pop culture site, for example—for fan-fiction of Groot and Game Of Throne’s Hodor being intimate with each other, you will find it, and it is exactly what you would imagine, and also very, very unsafe for work. So maybe don’t do that.