Welcome back everyone! It's 2007, the holidays are safely behind us, and a fresh year of terrifically dumb pop culture stretches before us! Can't you feel the excitement hanging in the air, and from every superfluous exclamation point?!! (No? Well it feels slightly painful––like all of your limbs are falling asleep at once––so you're not missing much.) But you may find yourself asking, through your cloudy, day-after-New-Year's-Day stupor, What kind of year will 2007 be for pop singers, tv stars, Jamie Foxx, and other people who would host parties at Pure nightclub for the right amount of money? Well, you need look no further than that incredibly accurate celebrity news prognosticator Britney Spears.
Much like Punxsutawney Phil's reaction to his shadow on Groundhog Day, Britney Spears's behavior during the last week of December/first week of January can be a fairly useful predictor of the future. But while the groundhog predicts how many weeks of winter weather lie ahead, the first Britney Spears gossip item of the year predicts the kind of celebrity news you'll have to read over and over again ad nauseum for the next 12 months. Last year, for example, Britney Spears was, for some reason,
trying for a second child with Kevin Federline. The result? Another unfortunately named Spears/Federline baby. But also story after story about the pregnancies, fake pregnancies, and non-adopted children of celebrities––as well as enough star baby photos to make even the most ardent Precious Moments™ collector long for mass sterilization. So what does Groundhog Spears predict for 2007? Well, the first Britney news item of the year has the sometime singer either fainting or, uh, sleeping at a nightclub on New Year's Eve––which means that you can expect to read even more thinly veiled excuses for public collapses than usual in the coming months. In other words, Happy 2007!