Got to Conan around 2 p.m. for hair and makeup (except I do my own hair, please, you know I do). They popped these individual false eyelashes on me with a pair of tweezers—one of my favorite makeup tasks to watch someone else do to my face! Then we ran through the show and they explained where my mark would be on the floor. I was done with rehearsal and makeup by 2:30 and spent the two and a half hours between them and my set alternating between staring at my fiancée, Rhea Butcher, as she ate green room ranch dressing, and rolling around on the floor while saying my jokes in my head.
I followed Kesha, and she stayed onstage to watch me and was very sweet and hugged me after. She looks about 8 and a half years old in person and is skinny as a dang rail. Both Conan and Andy chatted me up for a bit and were lovely.
I arrived home from the taping by myself—Rhea went directly from Conan to open for Maria Bamford at the Improv in Irvine, California—and instantly discovered I had locked myself out. Waited in my driveway for an hour and a half—with a special Conan edition tin of Garrett’s popcorn—for my landlord to let me in, and was inside just in time to field a cheering phone call from my folks who had seen the episode air Chicago time. Now it’s 9:34 p.m. and I’m gonna brush my teeth and head out to a two-show night.
The Conan video isn’t embeddable, but you can watch it right here.
Cameron Esposito is a Chicago-bred, L.A.-based stand-up comic and the host of the Put Your Hands Together podcast. She writes a biweekly column, Who in the world is Cameron Esposito?, for The A.V. Club. Follow her on Twitter at @cameronesposito.