College Outlaws College Thing

By Amelie Gillette | October 1, 2009 | 4:00pm

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Ah, college. Is anything stupider than college? Probably. Definitely. Still, most are basically over-priced, round-the-clock day-cares where teens can learn how to be adults through years of structured pretend. Some also teach teens pretension, which is a lesson you never forget. It's easy to see why Asher Roth loves college so—where else can you decorate by simply taping up a Miles Davis poster? Where else can you minor in slam poetry? And where else can you have sex in the same room in front of another unsuspecting person and suffer no repercussions except an angry stare from your roommate the next day and the mysterious disappearance of all your Klondike bars from the mini-fridge?

Well, two out of three isn't bad:

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Ha. Silly college. There already is a rule about not having sex in front of your roommate. Like "Don't wear pajamas in public," and "Try not to murder another person," "Don't have sex in front of your roommate (unless they're into that—no judgments)," is one of the many rules that we all agree to follow in this thing we all live in called "society." But, obviously, college isn't part of society.

How else can you explain this?

An oversized Le Chat Noir poster on a wall in 2009? (Not that it's okay at any other point in history.) Someone hasn't figured out how to be part of society yet, and that someone is college.

Still, Tufts shouldn't ban having sex in front of your roommate. When else are these bright young minds going to be able to so perfectly alienate another human being with almost no redress? If colleges want to outlaw college things, they should start with eating cereal from those giant industrial canisters (unpleasant), or wearing pajama bottoms to class (depressing), or listening to Asher Roth (unpleasant, depressing, and detrimental to overall health). College will be three inches closer to real life!