Last night, the Beverly Hilton welcomed the fifth annual Critics’ Choice Television Awards, that agonizing yearly scenario where critics are forced to choose which shows and actors they’d like to see continue, and which will be put to death. This year’s show was hosted by Cat Deeley, who not so coincidentally won an award for hosting. Suspiciously, many others who agreed to turn up and hang out with critics for the promise of free alcohol also won some things. And as usual, the list of winners is a veritable who’s who of shows beloved by the Broadcast Television Journalists Association—as well as a list of whose “Who?” will be most deeply felt when it’s inevitably uttered by Emmy voters, who, unfortunately, probably aren’t going to be as into The Americans or Amy Schumer.
Nevertheless, both got their biggish night Sunday—though Schumer had an arguably more important place to be at the Peabody Awards, where she made out with Tina Fey. Others who weren’t too busy kissing Tina Fey to be recognized included perennial critical favorites like Justified, newcomers like Empire’s Taraji P. Henson and semi-newcomers such as Better Call Saul’s Bob Odenkirk, and surprises like Silicon Valley’s T.J. Miller.
In fact, Miller’s win was so unexpected, the announcement caught him in the middle of shoveling food into his mouth, apparently already eating his disappointment. Once Miller finished chewing, his “speech” (“Yeah, I didn’t write a fuckin’ speech”) began with this, perhaps the greatest line ever uttered in acceptance of an entertainment-related trophy: “I would say that awards are for children, because children need a tangible representation of their achievement. Whereas adults should settle for the respect and admiration of their peers. But what do I know? I just play an arrogant blowhard who says whatever the fuck he wants to.”
That thanks-but-whatever theme continued as Seth MacFarlane accepted his Genius Award, saying that it would “look good next to my soccer participation trophy.” MacFarlane also acknowledged that the word “genius” was, as always, fairly loosely defined: “Being called a genius in Hollywood is kinda like being called ‘thin’ at Disneyland.”
Anyway, here are the rest of the children who left feeling like their critic mommies and daddies loved them, listed in bold. The rest will simply have to console themselves with being adults who successfully make a living doing what they want.
Best Drama Series
The Americans
Empire
Game Of Thrones
The Good Wife
Homeland
Justified
Orange Is The New Black
Best Comedy Series
Silicon Valley
Broad City
Jane The Virgin
Mom
Transparent
Veep
You’re The Worst
Best Actress In A Drama Series
Taraji P. Henson, Empire
Eva Green, Penny Dreadful
Julianna Margulies, The Good Wife
Keri Russell, The Americans
Vera Farmiga, Bates Motel
Viola Davis, How to Get Away With Murder
Best Actor In A Drama Series
Bob Odenkirk, Better Call Saul
Aden Young, Rectify
Charlie Hunnam, Sons Of Anarchy
Freddie Highmore, Bates Motel
Matthew Rhys, The Americans
Timothy Olyphant, Justified