Daily Buzzkills: The KFC Double Down is the Reichstag fire of health care reform

With the New World Order dragging its jackboots on implementing health care reform, setting up its neighborhood death panels, and delivering on the long-awaited promise of mandatory circumcisions that will finally turn us into both a Zionist nation and a new Nazi regime (Because that’s how they get you! With diversionary tactics!), it’s suddenly fallen to the public sector to make us hurry up and get fascist-y with it. Of course, those just-ahead glory days when all hospitals are replaced by huge ovens, the IRS taxes your organs, and the government dispatches middle management bureaucrats to come smother your grandma in her sleep still face stiff opposition from those fighting to keep health care broken and free. And true, these heroic protestors have thus far been victorious thanks to secret weapons like yelling a lot and sticking Hitler mustaches on everything. But there’s a new front forming, a far more powerful group whose foray into battle promises to make the passing of healthcare reform more than just an idle fancy dreamed up at Bilderberg meetings, in between discussions of FEMA camps and ways to fuck with Alex Jones.
We speak, of course, of the fast-food industry, whose efforts to turn the population soft, compliant, and more than a little sleepy has slowly been setting the stage for a triumphant takeover by our corporate overlords, and who struggle even now to make Americans so irreversibly unhealthy that they’ll have no choice but to submit to whatever socialist order will get them that much-needed angioplasty. Early advances on reshaping the national consciousness have already been made—using Oprah to incite chicken-related riots; pitching the Enormous Omelet Sandwich as a “hearty breakfast” with a straight face—but really, these were mere propaganda tactics, suitable perhaps for a less crucial peacetime but hardly the embers with which to spark a war. But fear not, fellow autocrats who long for a day when the populace is too worn down and dehydrated from massive sodium intake to resist the totalitarian reckoning. The era for dallying is past; the gears have already been set in motion with the introduction of the four-alarm Reichstag fire known as the KFC Double Down.
As the stand-ins for you, Joe Consumer, point out in the above commercial—currently screening only in select test markets like Omaha and Providence—the worst part about eating a chicken sandwich has always been the “sandwich,” that otherwise delicious combination of sucrose, starch, and bleach that surrounds the chicken and keeps your mayo in place, yet nevertheless contains trace amounts of disgusting wheat germ, a useless “grain” that’s been known to impede chicken fat’s natural tendency to take up residence in your lower intestine, keeping you feeling snuggly and warm. It’s just so much filler, stealing precious space from a fried chicken patty that could be occupied by another fried chicken patty.