Daily Buzzkills: The KFC Double Down is the Reichstag fire of health care reform

By Sean O'Neal  |  August 26, 2009 | 10:30pm
Aux Features TV
Daily Buzzkills: The KFC Double Down is the Reichstag fire of health care reform
Introducing Endless Mode: A New Games & Anime Site from Paste

With the New World Order dragging its jackboots on implementing health care reform, setting up its neighborhood death panels, and delivering on the long-awaited promise of mandatory circumcisions that will finally turn us into both a Zionist nation and a new Nazi regime (Because that’s how they get you! With diversionary tactics!), it’s suddenly fallen to the public sector to make us hurry up and get fascist-y with it. Of course, those just-ahead glory days when all hospitals are replaced by huge ovens, the IRS taxes your organs, and the government dispatches middle management bureaucrats to come smother your grandma in her sleep still face stiff opposition from those fighting to keep health care broken and free. And true, these heroic protestors have thus far been victorious thanks to secret weapons like yelling a lot and sticking Hitler mustaches on everything. But there’s a new front forming, a far more powerful group whose foray into battle promises to make the passing of healthcare reform more than just an idle fancy dreamed up at Bilderberg meetings, in between discussions of FEMA camps and ways to fuck with Alex Jones.

We speak, of course, of the fast-food industry, whose efforts to turn the population soft, compliant, and more than a little sleepy has slowly been setting the stage for a triumphant takeover by our corporate overlords, and who struggle even now to make Americans so irreversibly unhealthy that they’ll have no choice but to submit to whatever socialist order will get them that much-needed angioplasty. Early advances on reshaping the national consciousness have already been made—using Oprah to incite chicken-related riots; pitching the Enormous Omelet Sandwich as a “hearty breakfast” with a straight face—but really, these were mere propaganda tactics, suitable perhaps for a less crucial peacetime but hardly the embers with which to spark a war. But fear not, fellow autocrats who long for a day when the populace is too worn down and dehydrated from massive sodium intake to resist the totalitarian reckoning. The era for dallying is past; the gears have already been set in motion with the introduction of the four-alarm Reichstag fire known as the KFC Double Down.

As the stand-ins for you, Joe Consumer, point out in the above commercial—currently screening only in select test markets like Omaha and Providence—the worst part about eating a chicken sandwich has always been the “sandwich,” that otherwise delicious combination of sucrose, starch, and bleach that surrounds the chicken and keeps your mayo in place, yet nevertheless contains trace amounts of disgusting wheat germ, a useless “grain” that’s been known to impede chicken fat’s natural tendency to take up residence in your lower intestine, keeping you feeling snuggly and warm. It’s just so much filler, stealing precious space from a fried chicken patty that could be occupied by another fried chicken patty.

But this is America, which means no one should have to bow to the demands of “the dictionary” (a book originated by untrustworthy Asians, anyway) and make their sandwiches using only bread, just because that’s the definition of a “sandwich.” In fact, if there is but one regret that we should hold collectively as a people, it’s that it took us this many years of evolution to figure this out:

The creation features a dollop of the Colonel's secret sauce wrapped in a slice of both Pepperjack Cheese and Swiss Cheese, between two slices of bacon and two filets of KFC original recipe chicken that serve as the 'bread' of the burger. That's right – instead of bread, you get breaded chicken. Multiplied by two.

See? You’re looking at the pinnacle of food technology there, ye doubting rabble. NASA scientists could work around the clock in shifts and still they could never improve on that design—at least not until someone discovers a way to put more cheese and bacon in between the breading and chicken, like a Russian nesting doll that makes your chest hurt. Perhaps someday, genetic engineering will have advanced to the point where chickens can be made to squirt “secret sauce” out of their pores when you bite down on them, or food processing will become so fine-tuned that we can take fried chicken, bacon, and cheese and cram them into a french fry-sized sliver, and then serve that alongside the Double Down in a "Quadruple Up, Motherfucker" combo meal, but for right now, this is as good as it gets. And for those lucky enough to live in Nebraska or Rhode Island, the getting is damn good:

The Double Down is generally considered to be a big success thus far in the areas it has been tested, with management at a KFC outlet in Omaha, Nebraska telling Australian reporters that the 'sandwich' had exceeded expectations.

Well naturally it’s exceeded expectations: Not only is its design a blow against "the tyranny of the bun,” it’s also the ultimate challenge to the rest of the fast-food industry to step up its game. KFC has seen your impotent Triple Whoppers and raised you bacon and cheese wrapped in two slices of fried chicken; put up or fold. And such escalation is a critical step toward engendering a citizenry so docile and addled with saturated fats that it has no choice but to accept whatever health care plan will cover their rapidly corroding insides. So, like history’s best indoctrination campaigns, it’s both patriotic and subtly fascistic, and you won’t even see it coming because it’s all so fucking tasty. It’s a double-decker ideology burger shoved right down your guileless gullet-hole; we’ll have this country clutching their stomachs and begging for socialized medicine in no time.

 
Join the discussion...