After 19 seasons of hobbling faded celebrities through forcing them to perform complicated dance moves, then feeding them into the abattoir to make mediocre glue, Dancing With The Stars has announced that it has finally run out of stars. The ABC reality series revealed the cast for its 20th season this morning, a day that marked the first time in decades that Patti LaBelle and Suzanne Somers were considered “big gets.” The rest of the list is filled out with various athletes and Olympians, a model known for a single Carl’s Jr. ad, and Bruce Willis’ daughter. There is also the obnoxious guy from now-defunct party band LMFAO. No, the other one.
Here is the complete cast list, interspersed with some people we just made up. See if you can spot which ones! You can’t.
Noah Galloway: a double-amputee Iraqi War vet.
Robert Herjavec: a Canadian entrepreneur and Shark Tank judge.
Chet Clappington: inventor of that novelty hat with the hands where you pull on the string and they clap.
Patti LaBelle: Patti LaBelle.
Nastia Liukin: Olympic gymnast.
June Barnes: A crazy woman who straight-up lied to producers about playing the mom on Growing Pains and no one bothered to check.
Riker Lynch: singer in the band R5; also, one of five people who know the band R5.