As anyone who’s spent more than a few minutes on OkCupid or Tinder already knows, the average online dating profile is a trainwreck, mashing together deceptively shot selfies, lists of favorite movies, and the words “spiritual, but not religious” into awkward configurations galore. So it takes a truly special garbage fire to rise above the horde. In that spirit, allow us to introduce you to Nate, a man who’d like (several) minutes of your romantic time, courtesy of his new web site, ShouldYouDateNate.com?
And while we’ll spoil things right up at the top with a pretty simple “Almost certainly not,” it’s a lot more fun to let Nate—a self-described workaholic introvert who does marketing for a nutritional supplement company where he’s surrounded by “bananaheads” and other kinds of people who want to talk about things that aren’t his favorite movies, like Forrest Gump and Dumb & Dumber—tell you why things between you and him probably won’t work out. (After all, he’s “sure you appreciate honesty in a man.”)
In fact, Nate’s site is more “why you shouldn’t date me” than “why you should.” It’s full of no-nos and caveats standing between you, Nate’s perfect woman, and the “splendid moment of pleasure together” he promises a lucky lady who meets his fairly strict criteria. Those include rules eliminating anyone who doesn’t have “a slender, healthy body,” “a very pretty face,” and a shared belief that “free markets and unfettered entrepreneurial spirit are the best things for this planet.” (Also, you should probably hate the FDA, “an inept, deplorable, and useless organization.”)
But Nate didn’t write this web site for those other women, woman-wh0-hates-partying-and-relaxing-but-loves-adventure-and-libertarian-capitalism-and-also-has-a-reasonably-slim-waist: He wrote it for you, the woman of his extremely specific dreams.
And we’ll give these props to our man Nate: At the end of his 3,000-word manifesto, in which he also expresses his hopes to “make the world a better place through the marketing I do,” you will know exactly who he is, and whether he’s someone whose particular brand of rolling pin-phobic nutritional obsession is what you’re looking for in a man. And if you’re a full-length person who’s not a “dionysian diva” or an “exercise atheist,” and who has an interest in sharing his “Mad Men without the cigarettes or fedoras” lifestyle, the submission form to be Nate’s special lady is waiting right there for you.