Don't Have An OTVII Level Auditing Session Until You've Been Authorized To, Man!

By Amelie Gillette | January 28, 2009 | 4:04pm

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Don't Have An OTVII Level Auditing Session Until You've Been Authorized To, Man!

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You know, I was considering skipping the Flag: The Mecca Of Technical Perfection World Tour Event on January 31st—mostly because it sounds like something that would eventually cost my parents thousands of dollars in cult deprogramming, but also because I've been really busy lately and I was looking forward to just sitting around and breaking in my new Royal Blue Snuggie. But then I got a personal call from Bart Simpson, and now I have to go, because it's 1992 and I'll do anything Bart Simpson tells me to do. Want a Butterfinger? I'm surrounded by crates of them:

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(Via FeyFriends)

Maybe there's something to this whole Scientology thing. Yes, the engrams and e-meters and space ghosts all sound a little strange, but this phone message clearly indicates that Scientologists have found a way to call the past (specifically the early 90s, meaning the last time Bart Simpson could successfully be used to market things) and leave messages for children hypnotizing them to attend an event many years in the future. On January 31st, thousands of confused young adults will show up at the ballroom muttering "Don't have a cow, man" to themselves, and walk as if in a trance into auditing sessions, all thanks to a suggestion Nancy Cartwright placed in their minds more than a decade ago. Well played, Scientology.