Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.

Eugene Mirman picks the hottest Halloween costumes, from naughty rabbi to mayonnaise

Eugene Mirman has a naughty rabbi (All illustrations by Nick Wanserski)

Considering he’s got a nine-volume record, I’m Sorry (You’re Welcome) due out October 30, Eugene Mirman has clearly been thinking a lot about comedy. Though only one of the nine discs is actually of Mirman’s stand-up, the others all have fairly funny premises, from “Over 45 Minutes Of Crying” to “Eugene’s Comprehensive Sound Effects Library,” which is described as “Tremendous, mouth-made sound effects for amateur and professional foley artists alike.” Mirman’s bringing the sexy to I’m Sorry as well; side B of the second record finds Mirman dabbling in music and sounds for a “Fuckscape,” while LP7 is composed exclusively of 195 different orgasms. Thus, given both the album’s release date and Mirman’s clear predilection for producing, for lack of a better phrase, fuckable vibes, The A.V. Club thought he’d be a good person to ask about sexy Halloween costumes. Namely, we asked him to come up with a list of the Halloween costumes he thinks are sexiest. There are no hot cops here or even sexy nurses; Mirman’s gone above and beyond, just like your lover will should you choose to go with any of his hotter-than-hot recommendations.

1. Nihilism

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The A.V. Club: Sexy nihilism? How do you envision that playing out?

Eugene Mirman: Probably like a trash bag with eye holes, and maybe the word “nihilism” spray painted on it.

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AVC: Why? That’s always the question with sexy costumes. Why?

EM: Well, I like the idea of being sort of withdrawn and mysterious, and what can be more mysterious that someone wearing a trash bag, like a dark trash bag, with eye holes that say “nihilism?” You’d be curious. What’s underneath that? Is it perfect? Or is it broken?

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AVC: And I don’t want to get crass, but if you take that person home, you might be in for a good time.

EM: Possibly. They might wear something underneath the trash bag. I can’t tell if you mean they’d be naked?

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AVC: No, I meant that if they’re sort of a nihilist, the sex would be outstanding because there’s no hope for tomorrow.

EM: It’s very possible. That’s part of the mystery. Clearly, when you brought them home, you’d hope that their energy was purely sensual and thoughtful.

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AVC: It also seems like it would be a cheap costume to make.

EM: It does sound inexpensive, yeah.

2. Mayonnaise

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EM: I don’t mean like a jar of mayonnaise. I mean like you would wrap yourself in Saran Wrap and put mayonnaise in the layers in between. So, you’d really be just sort of this tightly mayonnaise-covered thing. But also dry, because it would be between Saran Wrap.

Does that make sense? You’d be sort of this naked, off-white, eggy sex machine. It would be sort of nude, but not quite. You’d be sticky fun.

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I guess you could use frosting. No, mayonnaise. Mayonnaise. Sorry.

AVC: Maybe with mayonnaise, there’d be less chance of yeast infections and stuff like that. It seems like the sugar in frosting would be problematic.

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EM: Sure, that’s a very good point. The goal would be to have Saran Wrap on yourself in a such a way that the mayonnaise never really touched you or the other person.

AVC: Do you envision this costume as being sort of like a mummy?

EM: Yeah, I guess. You know what? I’m suggesting a mayonnaise mummy. I think you’re right! I think what started out as mayonnaise is really a mayonnaise mummy.

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AVC: Would you be able to move, or would you have to hop around?

EM: No, no. You would wrap your arm separately from your leg, from your torso. You’d really make it work. I’m not suggesting you wrap yourself in Saran Wrap and lie on the ground. That sounds like no fun. I’m suggesting you create a functional mayonnaise Saran Wrap costume.

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AVC: What makes it a sexy costume, other than the fact you’re probably nude underneath all that?

EM: It looks skin-tight and there’s mayonnaise. Is there anything more sexy?

AVC: I think you’re telling us more about yourself than you are about anyone else.

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EM: Sure! I’m asking questions. I’m putting out a lot of costumes that are all different from each other. Each person should pick the one that’s sexiest to them. I’m not saying that’s the sexiest one. I’m saying you might want nihilism, but if you don’t, you might want mayonnaise. Or you might want what’s coming next.

3. Naughty rabbi

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EM: This one is basically a rabbi, boy or girl, in a mini-skirt, but with all the wisdom of being a rabbi. I imagine you’d have to study up.

AVC: So you might just look like a regular sexy person, but you’d know you were a rabbi?

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EM: Well, I mean a regular person is a rabbi. I don’t suggest rabbis just put on a mini-skirt. I’m suggesting people study a bit of the experience of being a rabbi, put on a mini-skirt, then regular clothing (boy or girl), and then kind of have this sort of naughty thing going on. Also, the truth is whatever naughty rabbi means to you. I’m suggesting a mini-skirt, but if “naughty rabbi” to you has a magic wand or lollipops… well, that’s probably not good. Let’s leave it with mini-skirt. I like the idea that my second piece of clothing is lollipop. I don’t really know how to gussy up other than a mini-skirt.

AVC: So the mini-skirt is a visual signifier?

EM: I think what I would say is signify it visually, but it doesn’t have to be ostentatious.

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AVC: Maybe just undo an extra button.

EM: Maybe it’s just that you’re wearing capri pants, and they look real nice. Maybe you’re a rabbi in sexy jeans.

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AVC: But you think the knowledge is important there, too?

EM: I think it is important to harness wisdom and then combine it with this sort of very flirtatious sexuality.

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AVC: Is there anything you’d need to know for the mayonnaise costume or is that just pure physicality?

EM: No, you’d have to keep explaining it over and over. Like, “I’m sexy mayonnaise.” And then they’d be like, “Huh?” And then you’d be like, “It’s kind of like a mummy, but mayonnaise.” You don’t need to know anything. You don’t have to study.

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AVC: Mayonnaise seems like it would be all about confidence.

EM: Exactly. You would have to have, I would say, a pretty good feeling about yourself.

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4. Pamela Landy

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AVC: Who is Pamela Landy?

EM: Great question. She is one of the CIA directors in the Bourne trilogy. She’s just a really thoughtful, tough problem-solver.

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AVC: I see she’s played by Joan Allen. What’s that costume in your mind, and what makes it sexy? She clearly knows what she’s doing.

EM: I think just that she’s a tough CIA operative. That’s a sexy character. That’s what makes it sexy.

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AVC: If you found the person who knew immediately who you were, then that’s a mind connection you could take to bed.

EM: Oh yeah! If you find someone who looks at you and goes, “What are you dressed as? Pamela Landy?”, you marry that person.

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AVC: Other people might say, “Are you Hillary Clinton?” “Are you Q?”

EM: There are a lot of guesses. But if someone looks at you and goes, “Are you Pamela Landy?”, at the very least, please hook up.

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5. A slightly see-through Subaru Forester

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AVC: How does that work? Are the exterior panels see-through?

EM: It would be the sort of thing where basically you dress up the way you’re thinking where you’d make a cardboard Subaru Forester around yourself, but through the bumper maybe, or whatever it is, the windshield, you can kind of see a little bit of something. Also, this is for a boy or girl. It’s a unisex costume. There’s a little bit of like, “Hey, I think I can see your ding-a-ling.” Or, “Are those your boobs?” That kind of thing.

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It’s tantalizing. I guess I should have said a tantalizing Subaru Forester.

AVC: Like, the window is cracked, and you can see through the window?

EM: Maybe. It’s up to you how you turn it full sexy. I would just give you the benefit of the phrase “see-through.”

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AVC: Any why a Subaru Forester and not an Outback?

EM: I mean, an Outback is also totally solid, but I’m just talking about overall safety. You would combine this concept of sturdiness and stability and safety with sensuality.

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AVC: A Forester is definitely a sensible car.

EM: I guess if you’re just hooking up, you could go with some sort of Audi, but we’re talking about a Halloween costume that could potentially leads to a real, stable relationship. To me, that’s a see through Subaru Forester.

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AVC: That costume sounds like it could be popular in a number of different markets and places. It’s good that it’s sensible. You have to really know what to look for. It’s not just like a Ferrari where you can see someone’s boobs. That’s gauche.

EM: No. Exactly. Nobody needs that.

You don’t want to be somebody who is like, “Oh, why do you have that? Are you broken? Is that why you built a cardboard Ferrari around yourself?” Or, you’re very wealthy and it’s totally reasonable, because you don’t know how expensive it is.

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6. Batman or Batgirl right before they get in the shower

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EM: For this, they’re either naked or have a towel around them, but they have the confidence and possibly the skill sets of the characters.

AVC: That makes sense.

EM: It does make sense.

I think that there’s something to the costume being partially your commitment to the costume. This is the only one where it’s fully about your commitment to the costume. You have to either talk in a growling voice or do a lot of acrobatics. To the casual observer, you’d just appear to be a person either who is naked or in a towel, but the second they spoke to you, they’d be like, “Oh my god! I’m talking to Batman.” Or, “Oh my god, I’m talking to Batgirl!”

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AVC: How would they know you’re Batman and not Superman?

EM: I would hope that people would figure out how to do the show-don’t-tell. Clearly, it would be bad if you’re at a party wearing a towel, and someone is like, “Who are you?” And you’d go, “Batman.” That’s not what I envision, although I kind of like that idea.

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AVC: What’s the difference between Batman and Bruce Wayne? Wouldn’t it be Bruce Wayne in the shower, or is Batman always Batman?

EM: I guess I just mean the spirit of what you’re trying to pretend to be. So, Bruce Wayne is trying to pretend to be that he’s not Batman. I’m talking about in your head, you’re Batman. That’s the essence you’re trying to convey. If you’re Bruce Wayne, you’re trying to convey the essence of Bruce Wayne. I think it’s two difference essences, even though I know they’re the same beings.

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AVC: Batman has to take showers, but we just don’t think about him doing those things because he’s so busy saving lives or doing whatever. Even Batman has to go to the bathroom.

EM: Here’s the thing: Imagine a person at a costume party, and there’s a contest, and all they have is a towel, and in their head, they’re Batman, and they win. They win because of how good of a Batman they are in their head. I think it’s possible, though it’s probably very unlikely.

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7. Anthony Bourdain

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AVC: Someone has probably gone as Anthony Bourdain before.

EM: Yeah, I bet you could pull it off. Just a sexy travel writer traveling the globe trying stuff.

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AVC: You’d just say, “I used to be on heroin and I was a chef. Now I just hang out, and I’m on CNN and eat stuff.”

EM: You’d just be knowledgeable about travel, food… that sort of thing. If you want, carry some sort of food with you if you need to really hit it over the head.

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AVC: And you’re not saying “sexy Anthony Bourdain,” because then he’d be in hot pants.

EM: No, I just said Anthony Bourdain. Just to be clear, I said Anthony Bourdain. I didn’t try to extra sexy up Anthony Bourdain.

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AVC: Again, this one comes down to personal preference. Some people might not think he’s sexy.

EM: No, exactly. There’s a reason there’s so many different options. But the idea that you would find none of it sexy? From the Forester to Batman in a towel? I don’t know.

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8. Austerity measures

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EM: This one is just the idea of curtailing government in a way that would ultimately help save your country. It’s about the sort of sexiness of these extreme measures and the plight. The sexiness of plight.

AVC: It’s also about restraint. 50 Shades Of Grey has made that very hot right now.

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EM: Exactly.

AVC: Are you specifically thinking about Greek austerity measures?

EM: You know, I didn’t want to be specific. I want it to be so non-specific that I don’t have an idea of what it would look like. It could be Greek. It could be anything. It could be austerity measures, and then you figure out a solution that’s better. So, it starts with austerity measures as a costume, and then maybe there’s something else on top of it because you really get things working.

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AVC: In my mind, it’s a little Ruth Bader Ginsburg, but with a calculator.

EM: Oh yeah, maybe. That’s a very reasonable suggestion.

AVC: It’s definitely something you’d have to explain, but that could be done in a sexy way.

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EM: To the person who didn’t have to explain it, where people just guess: Congratulations.

9. Sexy witch Ralph Macchio

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EM: So, sort of like sexy witch Karate Kid.

AVC: So you’d have a gi on top, and then a witch hat, and then a headband?

EM: Exactly. And theoretically, as the character of a sexy witch Ralph Macchio, you’d have quite a bit of power. You’d have the confidence of learning karate along with the inherent power of a witch. And the sensuality of a witch. And the sensuality of the Karate Kid.

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AVC: What about if was Ralph Macchio in The Outsiders? Or are you talking specifically about The Karate Kid-era Ralph Macchio.

EM: It’s true that I’m not specifically saying sexy witch Karate Kid. So, it would be however you think of Ralph Macchio from whatever movie you think of him. For me, it happens to be Karate Kid, but for someone else, it might be The Outsiders. Maybe it’s the ripped jean jacket and a witch hat. That’s fair.

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AVC: Well, Karate Kid would probably translate the best.

EM: It would be the easiest to guess. I bet you could put on a costume where someone definitely guessed sexy witch Karate Kid. And then if you said, “Close.” They’d go, “Sexy witch Ralph Macchio?” And you’d be like, “Exactly.”

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AVC: For the sexy part, you could do a short skirt or hot pants.

EM: Yeah, or assless chaps if you’re a boy. Whatever you want.

AVC: What about assless karate pants?

EM: Yeah, that’s what I meant. Sorry. I mean, you would wear whatever you wore and just make it sexier. Maybe you just cut a slit up the karate pants leg so you could see a little of your beautiful, strong legs. There’s a lot of ways to make something sexy. A lot of them involve just helping the mind.

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AVC: When you’re thinking about what makes a sexy costume, what do you think of?

EM: You mean on me, or on other people?

AVC: That’s up to you.

EM: You know what? Let me just make the choice of on other people. I don’t know…thaughty. [Laughs.] I was trying to say thoughtful and naughty, but I guess I came up with a word we can have.

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AVC: Thaughty. It sounds a little like ”haughty,” too. You’re thinking, “I’m better than you. I’m sexier.”

EM: In this instance, it’s just a gentle confidence followed by a slight amount of mischief. And just being very well read.

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AVC: That rabbi one rings all those bells for sure.

EM: It’s true, and yet somehow I don’t find it the most erotic of my suggestions. Sometimes you think you want a thing, and it’s not the thing you want.

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AVC: Which one do you find the most erotic of all your suggestions? The Forester? That’s mine, I think.

EM: I think it’s either the Forester or a really committed Batman in a towel.

AVC: It’s about that subtle confidence.

EM: Exactly. It’s a thing where you’re like, “Oh, you seem okay. You seem centered.”

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