The FBI, an agency that’s supposed to be good at investigating crimes, is stumped by reports that a mysterious person wearing a jetpack was spotted flying around at 3,000 feet in the air above Los Angeles last Sunday evening. Despite the vast resources at its disposal, the FBI claims to have no knowledge of who this enigmatic figure could be.
We, with far less funding than the Bureau, have cracked the case. We’re students of history. We’ve prepared for this day to come. We know the jetpacker was obviously Franky Zapata, France’s very own gun-toting, hoverboard-riding supervillain who proved last summer that he could already cross the English Channel on his Green Goblin-style craft.
Still, the authorities can’t figure it out even after being given a surplus of clues. According to a news story, an American Airlines pilot radioed in on Sunday night to report seeing a “guy in a jetpack” about 300 yards away from his window while he was getting close to LAX. The article says most jetpack flights are done at lower levels and for shorter periods of time and that the LAPD “did a flyover in the area and were not able to locate anyone that matched [a] description.” Now, the case is in the FBI’s hands, which is a gross waste of resources when the culprit is obvious to those familiar with Zapata’s evil schemes.
Any fool knows that a man capable of building a sophisticated hovercraft—and of announcing his nefarious intentions by flying it above a parade while wielding a rifle—is able to both make advanced jetpacks and to cross the Atlantic as the vanguard of France’s upcoming aerial invasion force. It’s never been clearer that we must wake up and pay attention to the clear and present danger of hoverboard supervillains.
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