The shadows lengthened across the land as the crepuscular, mid-morning hour drew nigh. And from their trailer crypts, terrifying visions did emerge, staggering into the Tuesday gloaming, baying for blood and updates on the weather. Their shapes were at once familiar yet strange, as though glimpsed through the gossamer membrane that separates reality from nightmare. Let us gaze upon these spine-chilling creatures now, these japing demons conjured forth by the clock’s ominous toll on All Hallows’ Eve’s Morning! Look at them, and feel your mind unraveling and filling with fun party tips!
Today
Having cracked open the abyss to let its infinite black seas swallow the world by dressing up as the Peanuts gang, this year the infotainment incubi of Today showed uncommon mercy, wrapping themselves in the mocking, and once again largely gender-swapped garb of country musicians. Peer into the hellish, fake-bearded haze of Hoda Kotb as Blake Shelton, Savanna Guthrie as Kenny Rogers, and Matt Lauer as Dolly Parton, and know what it is to have your assumptions about sexuality torn asunder! ASUNDER!
Pin needles into your eyelids and force yourself to stare at a 44-year-old Carson Daly playing Billy Ray Cyrus to 64-year-old Kathie Lee Gifford’s Miley Cyrus, ostensibly! Feel the hours run screaming backward as time loses all meaning and Carson Daly all dignity! Drink deep of Al Roker as Willie Nelson and feel like he probably had a pretty good time!
Just as your heart has ceased rattling the brittle prison bars of your ribcage, here comes Megyn Kelly dressed as Shania Twain, beckoning you into the netherworld between fury at her continued attempts at bland normalization and schadenfreude at how poorly she is pulling it off! Here will you dwell eternally in the purgatorial limbo between Megyn Kelly Today and Megyn Kelly Tomorrow!