OU: Let me just say one word, no, two words: Poor. Animation. The video has some of the worst animation of anything that has existed. Not just of all animation, but of anything. That stupid fucking fish that swims around in the video… The animation sucks really bad, and not in a Paula Abdul, weird wolf-creature animation way. It’s a reminder of how incredibly stupid you people are capable of being. There was a time when this was a big hit; they played it, they loved it, they loved Billy Ocean, and they loved the way people dressed and they loved the bad animation and it was horrible. So basically what I’m saying is everything that you loved was horrible. And that’s a lot for somebody to have to take.
AVC: It was a No. 1 song.
OU: That’s terrible. How could that be? Unfortunately, that’s the truth. And, of course, that’s the reason it causes me so much pain is because you’re all my children. I have fucked the ape to create you and you’re a bunch of fuck-ups and I’m very disappointed in you. Your entire race has been a letdown. And for that, you must die. You must be wiped clean from this world and I will fuck something else. That’s why I want to fuck a blue whale, because I’m pretty sure if I fuck a blue whale, which I’ve never been able to, I’ll be able to get it right. Then I can create something that I can totally build an army with.
AVC: Having sex with a blue whale would probably be hard. Their vaginas are probably huge.
OU: It’s not actually having sex with the blue whale, it’s finding one. They’re very elusive because you people have killed them all. Many nights I’ve spent humping blue whale carcasses. As soon as anything washes up, I’m on it. I’ve fucked every other kind of whale. A creature must live in order to have an Oderus baby, and that’s why I’m going to find a living blue whale and fuck it. In the correct hole, mind you, which is very difficult to find when you’re having sex at 3,000 fathoms.
AVC: Billy Ocean is a pretty weird looking dude. Maybe he didn’t come from humans.
OU: He’s horrible. He’s awful. He’s ugly. And, for some reason, this underage chick wants to get in his car with him. Something seems altogether unwholesome about it. It actually should appeal to me but, for some reason, it makes me very, very ashamed for you.
AVC: Some people might say that you’re ugly.
OU: Like who? Humans? Creatures that were born from an ape’s vagina? Intellectually, evolutionarily, that’s hilarious. We’re up here; you’re down there. We don’t have Billy Ocean in outer space, okay? We banned the universe of Billy Ocean during the Great Billy Ocean Wars Of Nemulac 5.
AVC: This song is actually based on a line from a song called “You’re Sixteen,” which Ringo Starr covered in the ’70s.
OU: All that does is enhance the pedophilic image it conjures. That’s only acceptable if it is me having sex with a child. Am I an advocate of child sex? Yes. For anyone except me? No.
AVC: Kids probably like the cartoons in the Billy Ocean video.
OU: I’ll agree with that, sure. Children would like it and then be lured into a back seat of some car.
