Thursdays are the grandest, sloppiest, grossest days because those are the days I receive my weekly Goop newsletter full of bland useless lifestyle tips that ooze and stink and slop all over my inbox like a bunch of rotten eggs thrown by a woman who probably calls her lifestyle "my vital aspect," Gwyneth Paltrow. The subject of this week's newsletter was cookies, or as Gwyneth no doubt refers to them amongst her very good friends, "cooked-ies" or "sugar discuses." Let's find out more about these things:
The cookie. Small, delectable, perfect. Not out-of-a-package cookies with unpronounceable ingredients. Warm, homemade cookies. Butter. Brown sugar. Chocolate. I’ve rounded up some of my all-time faves, the ones that you find on my kitchen table most often. Bliss.
After reading these newsletters for a while, you start to get a handle on Gwynnie's own unique language. For instance, when she says "Not out-of-a-package cookies with unpronounceable ingredients" she means, "Not cooked-ies from the great garbage trough in which you all root your little piggie noses, the supermarket." When she says "the ones you find on my kitchen table most often" she means "the ones that I would deign to put on a charming antique country farmhouse plate on top of my kitchen countertop made from marble salvaged from one of the old Medici palaces outside Florence most often." And when she says, "Bliss," she means "Discipline."
So who are Gwyneth's non-mirror friends who have given her fave cookie recipes? She is sooo glad you asked: