Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.
Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.

Hard Rock Theme Park to Drive Final Nail into Once Thriving Musical Genre's Coffin

Remember the Hard Rock Cafe? That once-ubiquitous purveyor of high-quality tee-shirts and low-quality foodstuffs? Thought they'd gone the way of the eight track? Well, think again, because, according to the Associated Press, June 2nd marks the Grand opening of the Hard Rock Park, a 400 million dollar theme park in Myrtle Beach South Carolina. The Eagles and the Moody Blues are scheduled to play the grand opening. In a stunning non-coincidence, The Eagles are also the inspiration for the park's "Life in The Fast Lane" roller coaster. We're guessing coke-straws and underage groupies are not part of the ride so its authenticity is questionable at best. What else does this eminently depressing tourist trap have to offer? According to the good folks over at AP the attractions include:

*Arcade Games like "Whack-A-Boy-Band" *An imitation Statue of Liberty wearing sunglasses (cause, she's, you know, cool and shit) and holding a Zippo lighter. In case all that wasn't tacky enough, the statue's pedestal contains a quote from Neil Young's "Keep On Rockin' In The Free World". The famously anti-corporate Young must be proud *Something involving "psychedelic lights" called "Nights in White Satin, The Trip" *A 70 foot replica of a Les Paul guitar *The Beatles' bus from "Magical Mystery Tour" *An area called "Rock And Roll Heaven" with bricks engraved with the names of legendary dead rock and rollers, many of whom are already undoubtedly spinning in their graves *A Led Zeppelin roller coaster *Nightly firework shows set to Queen's "Bohemian Rhapsody" *An eatery called Alice's Restaurant *Dispiriting constant reminders of how grotesquely, comically over-commercialized rock and roll has become


While this sounds suspiciously like the premise for a "Ben Stiller Show" skit (maybe it's next to Oliver Stoneland) it is all too real. So pack up the kiddies and head down to Myrtle Beach for a debauched, insane rock-and-roll bacchanal that's fun for the whole family.

We are so not making this up.