Thanks to the sobering moment of clarity Lorne Michaels experienced after the back-to-back-to-back embarrassments of A Night At The Roxbury, Superstar, and The Ladies Man, the world was likely just narrowly denied a movie based on Mr. Peepers, perhaps the most popular of Chris Kattan’s many characters based on contorting his body in an ostensibly comical manner. But that hasn’t prevented some from dreaming of what might have been, then turning said dream into an elaborate satirical prank: The S.F. Weekly has published excerpts from Peepers, a canticle, a full-length screenplay purported to be written by “C.L. Kattan,” bound copies of which have been popping up in bookstores all across the city. The script (which you can read in its entirety here) reimagines Peter Sellers’ Being There with Mr. Peepers in the idiot savant role, doling out accidental wisdom—via his signature exclamations of “Bah!” and discarding of apple cores—to the social and political elite, including a memorable meeting with President George W. Bush. The film concludes with Peepers similarly strolling across a body of water, only to stop and hump it, thus “having sex with the entire earth.”