Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.
Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.

How do you solve a problem like Uwe Boll?

Hey you guys, So my friend Joe Z just sent me an email with the following press release:                       Uwe Boll Challenges His Critics                               "To Put Up Or Shut Up !" Uwe Boll Invites His Top 5 Most Outspoken Critics of 2005 To Appear In His Feature Film "Postal".   Airfares & Hotel Expenses To Vancouver Will Be Paid By Uwe Boll's Production Company For These Critics To Be In Postal. June 12, 2006 – Vancouver, BC – We are proud to announce that Dr.Uwe Boll's BLOODRAYNE starring Kristanna Loken, Michael Madsen, Matthew Davis, Michelle Rodriguez, Sir Ben Kingsley, Will Sanderson, Udo Kier, Meat Loaf, Michael Pare & Billy Zane had a successful release May 23rd., 2006 on DVD in both Canada & USA. Iain Taylor of Vivendi Visual Entertainment Canada stated, "BloodRayne ranked in the top 6 best selling DVD titles during the first part week of sales in Canada (Nielsen Videoscan Canada)". In the USA BloodRayne's DVD performance was even stronger. Tom O'Malley, GM of Vivendi Visual Entertainment (USA), said "For the first time in this industry, a Theatrical Release and the Complete PC Video Game were released together on DVD. BloodRayne ranked in the top 5 best selling DVD titles during its debut week (Nielsen VideoScan USA)". In both countries unofficial DVD rental statistics have proven to be even more impressive. Again the fans have shown that the critics of Uwe Boll are out of touch with want the general movie audience population wants.  Dr. Boll has continually been roasted for the films he has directed and produced. His last two films, House of the Dead & Alone in the Dark, cost $20 million but they have grossed over $110 million to-date.  The same negative reactions from some of the same press and the internet critics are now being directed at Uwe Boll's latest film; BloodRayne.   Dr. Uwe Boll has had enough! Uwe Boll's position is "I am fed up.  I'm fed up with people slamming my films on the Internet without see them. Many journalists make value judgments on my films based on the opinions of one or two thousand Internet voices.  Half of those opinions come from people who've never watched my films.  I have been told that "BloodRayne" has a very bad IMDb rating, but how many of those votes of zero were made before the movie appeared in theatres." The criticism goes on and on. Uwe is now challenging the critics that failed to watch his films prior to reviewing or commenting, "TO PUT UP OR SHUT UP!"   On July 17th, 2006 Uwe will start filming his next feature film, "Seed", starring Will Sanderson, Ralf Moeller, Michael Pare & Andrew Jackson. Following that film he will go into production in late September with another feature called "Postal".  Both movies will be shot in Vancouver, BC, Canada.  Towards the end of the filming of the "Postal" the 5 most outspoken critics will be flown into Vancouver and supplied with hotel rooms.  As a guest of Uwe Boll they will be given the chance to be an extra / stand-in in "Postal" and have the opportunity to put on boxing gloves and enter a BOXING RING  to fight Uwe Boll. Each critic will have the opportunity to bring down Uwe in a 10 bout match.  There will be 5 matches planned over the last two days of the movie. Certain scenes from these boxing matches will become part of the Postal movie. All 5 fights will be televised on the internet and will be covered by international press. To be eligible you must be a critic who has posted on the internet or have written in magazines / newspapers at least two extremely negative articles in the year 2005. Critics of 2006 will not be considered. Please submit proof of your negative reviews & comments via e-mail to:                                                          info@boll-kg.de  All challengers must be healthy males, weighing between 64 kilograms (140 lbs.) and 86 kilograms (190 lbs.). You will require to be physically examined by a doctor and sign the necessary release forms for liability, etc.  You will not be paid or entitled to any residuals or fees. Your transportation & hotel costs will be covered.  Dr. Uwe Boll's invitation to fight and / or appear in his film is extended to all his harshest critics.  Roger Avary and Quentin Tarantino are among the most eligible candidates.   The following posters to the IMDb have earned the right to be placed on the list of the most extreme anti-Boll critics and are therefore eligible to enter the contest.  Contestants will be chosen to be an extra and physically box Dr. Uwe Boll. Headhunter004 Adultswimlover2 Evolution_500_2 Greatnates thedoomsdaybegins GunnerySergeantNumbnuts Murdoc995 AimeeBrookes ChineseOldMarketMan GabeLogan9060 Veedragon40 BigSexy77 TylerDurden52 Dan223-1 howdy4641430-1 If critics want to bring Uwe Boll down, here is their chance to physically bring him down and have the entire world watch them do it. To me, this begs the question: has Uwe Bollmania gone too far? By constantly ridiculing Boll and his terrible, terrible films are we accidentally empowering Boll? Imagine you're Boll (scary, sure, but necessary). You've just had a long sit-down with Satan in which he's given you permission to adapt "Frogger", "Metroid" and "Custer's Revenge" for the big screen in return for what little is left of your eternal soul. Then you hired a high-priced call girl to tell you you're a much better filmmaker than Steven Speilberg and Quentin Tarantino combined while performing a series of immoral and unhygienic acts on you. How does the night end? A. With you sobbing uncontrollably because everyone hates your movies and considers you, to borrow a recent Simpsons line, a "worse version of Hitler" or B. You crow to the aforementioned sex-trade worker about how you're the Renegade Bad Boy of Terrible Video Game adaptations I sincerely hope that the answer is invariably A but I fear that it's probably B instead. So here's my question to you guys: have we given Uwe Boll too much credit? Has notoriety and infamy gone to his bloated head? By making him such a ubiquitous laughingstock are we, as a culture, feeding into his negative, limit-testing behavior (making terrible movies and then behaving like a braying, deluded jackass in public) by giving him attention and press, however negative or vitriolic it might be? If we ignore Uwe Boll will he go away? And what about this offer? Should it be ignored? Or should the A.V Club start training Rocky-style so that we can deliver physical beatdowns to Boll in addition to our critical ones? And why must Boll say such mean things about respected cultural commentators like GunnerySergeantNumbnuts and BigSexy77? What do you guys think?

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