If Dave Grohl is telling the truth, my otolaryngologist is lying to me

So imagine my surprise when Dave Grohl, of all people, declared this week that the secret behind his perennially healthy vocal cords is nothing other than alcohol. In a clip posted by Dish Podcast on Instagram yesterday, the Foo Fighters frontman describes getting his vocal cords checked out—the long camera down his throat, the “eeeee,” the discomfort. In other words, precisely what I spent my Tuesday morning doing. Except, it seems, our doctors had very different reactions.

As Grohl tells it: “He looks at my vocal cords and he goes, ’Wow, they look great.” And I said, ‘You’re kidding.’ He said, “No, they look amazing. Do you do vocal warm-ups?” I said, ‘No, I don’t.’ And he goes, ‘OK, do you do, like, vocal cooldowns after a show?’ I said, ‘No.’ He continued, “And he said, ‘Well, what do you do before a gig?’ I said, ’Honestly? An hour before the show, I’ll open a beer and I’ll start drinking the beer… Then I’ll have a shot of whiskey. And then once the beer is done, I’ll open another beer. Then we’ll maybe have a group shot of whiskey, which we call ‘band prayer.’ Then someone will say ‘15 minutes’ and I open one more beer and have one more shot and then hit the stage.’” Apparently, all Grohl’s doctor said in response was: “Just don’t change what you’re doing. It’s working.”

I am irate. I am untethered, and my rage knows no bounds. Has Big Otolaryngology been lying to me all along? Have they been feeding me falsehoods to make me buy the pantoprazole tablets prescribed to me? Could my problem actually be that I’m not drinking enough whiskey and beer? Exactly how much whiskey and beer, in liters, do I need to down on a daily basis in order to get rid of the nodes on my vocal cords? Dave Grohl and Dave Grohl’s doctor, please reach out to me immediately. I need clarification.