Here’s what’s up in the world of TV for Wednesday, September 10. All times are Eastern.
I Heart Nick Carter (VH1, 10 p.m.): It’s been eight years since the E! reality show House Of Carters ended, and since then, the people (yes, the people) have been clamoring for Nick Carter to return to the reality show game. “We need you, Nick,” the people cried. “We heart you, Nick,” the people strangely shouted. The people didn’t expect the televised reality of Nick Carter’s world to include a fiancée, but that’s what the people are now getting.
The people will never forget how Nick truly revolutionized reality television (when he broke up with Paris):
Hell’s Kitchen (FOX, 8 p.m.): Keep this in mind if you’re watch tonight’s 13th season premiere of Hell’s Kitchen: and Gordon Ramsay has been yelling at competitive chefs on this show since 2005.
Extant (CBS, 10 p.m.): Seriously, have you guys been watching this season of Extant? If not, have you at least been reading the episode synopses? After next week, who knows if we’ll ever see Halle Berry versus alien offspring again on TV? You’re definitely not going to see that in The Good Wife.
The Bridge (FX, 10 p.m.)
The League (FXX, 10 p.m.)
In 100 Episodes, Phil Dyess-Nugent talks about how the “MTV cops” of Miami Vice both changed and fell victim to the TV landscape of the ‘80s. Hopefully there’s a long debate about pastels making a comeback.
Over in Inventory, TV Clubbers look at 10 board games that eventually became game shows. Hopefully one day Operation can make it on this list.
Bring It (Lifetime, 9 p.m.): You know a feud is real when the biggest difference between the two sides is whether or not an “s” or a “z” is used in their name. That’s why the rivalry between The Dancing Dolls and the Dynamic Diamond Dollz is such a nail biter.
Love Thy Neighbor (OWN, 9 p.m.): Due to what one can only assume is the result of loving thy neighbor, TV Guide describes this episode with one sentence: “Lina is pregnant.”
Mormon Half Love (TLC, 9 p.m.): Proving that endless material can be mined from either Mormonism or birth defects, TLC has an hour-long documentary about 41-year-old Melinda, a woman born with a shortened spine and non-functioning legs. Melinda is looking for love. Her “other half,” to be precise. And of course, she’s also a Mormon. Will Melinda find love? Hopefully, or else this is a really upsetting premise.
Hot In Cleveland (Lifetime, 10 p.m.): It’s the fifth season finale, and it’s titled “The Bachelors,” most likely because of the cameo from Chris Harrison. Most likely.
Graceland (USA, 10 p.m.): Graceland’s second season also comes to a close, and based on how the rest of the season has been, there’s probably not much of a chance of a happy ending. USA: Unhappy Characters Welcome.
Wahlburgers (A&E, 10 p.m.): “Meat The Press”? Is this some type of joke, Wahlburgers? There is no meat. There are no burgers, Wahl or otherwise. Where, in fact, is the beef?
Houseguest (FLIXw, 4:05 p.m.): Sinbad. Hartman. That’s really all you need to sell the 1995 comedy, Houseguest. And while watching it, it becomes abundantly clear that was all that was needed to pitch said movie. If you’ve ever watched Jingle All The Way and thought that Sinbad and Phil Hartman not interacting at all was a waste of a perfectly good movie, then you’ll love Houseguest. If you’ve ever wanted to watch a movie without a flimsy premise and overt racism, then you probably won’t.
Men In Black (AMC, 6 p.m.): The year is 2014, and you still know all of the lyrics to this Will Smith song:
I Am Legend (TNT, 7 p.m.): Where does TNT’s Legends begin and I Am Legend end? Well, according to the schedule, it’s at 9 p.m. Will Smith didn’t create a song for this movie, but that doesn’t mean he shouldn’t have. Just imagine, if you will. He comes up with the cure, the movie fades to black, and then all of a sudden, this plays:
I Still Know What You Did Last Summer (Starz, 7:15 p.m.): A sequel nobody asked for? Check. Jack Black with dreadlocks? Check. Brandy? Check. Jennifer Love Hewitt singing on the soundtrack, even though it really doesn’t fit the tone or vibe of the movie? Check.
MLB Baseball: Royals at Tigers (ESPN, 7 p.m.): Have you ever thought about how much better Lorde’s “Royals” would be if an anthropomorphic tiger sang the song? Now you will. Enjoy that while you watch the game.
MLB Baseball: Diamondbacks at Giants (ESPN, 10 p.m.): Once you’ve gotten the tiger that sings “Royals” out of your mind, you can enjoy a game free of adorable scenarios.
Sons Of Anarchy: Fall TV is coming back slowly but surely, and Zack Handlen reviewed the final season premiere of Sons Of Anarchy. Were there musical montages? Of course there were. It’s the SAMCRO way.