Attention, patriotic citizens of these United States of America—we now find ourselves face-to-face with an unprecedented national crisis, one which could become a defining moment for an entire generation. Will we rise to the occasion like our brave forebears, or will we shirk our newfound responsibility, only to forever look back on our collective decision with shame and derision? Hear us, you pioneers of freedom! You champions of a better tomorrow! Do not shy away from what must be done in this hour of solemn need:
You gotta help us eat the rest of these 15 million Girl Scout cookies, goddamnit.
According to a recent bombshell report from The New York Times, the Girl Scouts of the U.S.A. are staring down a massive excess of Thin Mints, Samoas, Tagalongs, and other cookie varieties this year due to COVID-19's effects on membership numbers, as well as the need to “abandon their usual in-person selling methods.”
“Given that a majority of cookies are sold in person by girls at booths or other face-to-face methods, a decrease in sales was to be expected,” Girl Scouts spokeswoman, Kelly Parisi, said in the statement, before conceding “it’s exceedingly rare to have significant excess inventory, but the pandemic greatly impacted our cookie program.”
As of right now, an estimated 12-15 million of the surplus caloric nightmares are just sitting in their original warehouses in Indiana and Kentucky, to the detriment of this already overburdened nation. In past years, excess cookie supplies have been donated to the military and first responders, but there’s still time to do your part before it comes to that. The red-blooded Americans among our readership (including Donald Glover) can still order cookies via the Girl Scouts’ website, or if you’re already stoned out of your mind, you can get them delivered to your door via Grubhub.
Send Great Job, Internet tips to firstname.lastname@example.org