January 23, 2008
I'm a 25-year-old male. I'm a zoophile
and always have been. I'm a longtime reader (I'm sure you're thrilled), so I
know my interests aren't on your approved list of sexual activities. Not trying
to argue that point. However, it's clear what turns my head when I walk down
the street, and it's never the person holding the leash. I know from your
column and many other sources that once your brain is "wired" a certain way,
"rewiring" it is unlikely (snowball's chance in hell), so this isn't going to
go away. My question is, what do I do?
Currently, I don't date. I was married
once, briefly, never had sex, marriage quickly annulled. I currently have no
sexual attraction to any human, male or female, so I don't feel the need to
date. Also, sharing this information with anyone I attempted to date would
probably end in horror, tears, and my needing to move out of state. However, a
lifetime without a relationship (two-legged or four-legged) seems unappealing.
Here are the options I see:
1) Get a shrink (who I can talk to about
this) and a girlfriend or boyfriend (who I can't talk to about it) and, in
terms of the sex, master giving head, since my dick won't want to join the
party.
2) Buy a house with a big yard and…
well, you know.
I don't care if you print this. I'd just
like another opinion. I mean, honestly, who else would answer this anonymously,
for free, and I actually have some faith in his judgment?
Really
Unsure For Future
In
short… my advice… which is really going to annoy Mike "Man and Animal" Huckabee…
is… um… to buy that big house, RUFF, one with a nice, big yard… and do what you
gotta do. Inside,
please, shades drawn.
Bestiality
is wrong, wrong, wrong, because an animal cannot give its consent. But… uh…
anyone who's ever actually owned a boy dog knows that most would be only too
delighted to… um… well, you know.
I'm
assuming that you want to be fucked by dogs, of course, as that's almost always
the case with dudes into dogs. Man-on-dog is a whole lot wronger than
dog-on-man, if I may use a certain former senator's formulation, most
importantly for reasons of safety for the animal, so I don't smile on
man-on-dog. (Actually, I don't smile on the dog-on-man, either—it's more
like "grimace, cover eyes, look away," but, hey, that's the reaction I have to
cunnilingus.) Take a torn-up girl dog to the vet, RUFF, and you're going to
wind up talking with the police and having to cross a PETA picket line to get
back into your house—and it'll serve you right.
For
the record, I'm con bestiality (and very much pro cunnilingus). I think fucking
dogs is wrong, wrong, wrong. But I had pork and beef and chicken at dinner last
night—all 100 percent factory-farmed meat, derived from animals that were
cruelly tortured every second of their brief and miserable existence—and
my particular strain of Tourette's syndrome commands me to say this: If I were
an animal, I'd much rather be screwed than stewed. We murder animals for their
flesh, skins, fur, and just for the fuck of it. Those of us that eat meat; wear
fur; run around in leather pants, jackets, shoes, restraints, etc.; and kill
animals for sport don't have much moral authority when it comes time to lecture
those of you who wanna smooch the pooch.
Finally,
RUFF, build a nice, tall fence around that yard, okay? And seeing a shrink
probably won't make you wanna screw humans, but hey, it couldn't hurt.
You
helped take out Rick Santorum by naming a sex-related term after him, and now
the time has come for you to do the same for GOP hopeful Mike Huckabee. He has
compared homosexuality to bestiality in an interview, just like Santorum, and
more than once. Huckabee most recently came out against changing "the
definition of marriage so that it can mean two men, two women, a man and three
women, a man and a child, a man and animal."
So
what do you think, Dan? Isn't it time for a contest to name a sex act The
Huckabee?
Dave
In Olympia
Every
time someone says something idiotic in public—myself included—I get
letters from readers angrily demanding that Ann Coulter, Stephen Harper, Dick
Cheney, Antonin Scalia, myself, et al., get the "santorum treatment" (which
sounds almost as disgusting as the substance itself). Honestly, this is the
first time I can say that I've been tempted. But Huckabee remains a long shot
for the GOP nomination, DIO, so it's entirely possible that we'll be rid of
Huckabee in a few weeks' time—hell, he could be out of it before this
column gets printed.
But
just in case Huckabee is the nominee—hey, you can't be too
careful—I'm going to invite my readers to send their suggested
definitions for The Huckabee to [email protected].
On
my 21st birthday, my mother got so shitty drunk that she had to buy a pair of
pants off a gas-station attendant after she pissed her own. She dropped her
giant bag of pot in the limo. We put her to bed and she got up and tried to
screw my roommate. Then she fell out of the top bunk of his bed and hurt
herself so bad she grabbed her car keys and left. She got a DWI on the way to
the hospital where they found out she broke her rib. What does all of this do
to my psyche?
Please
Answer Me
Nothing
good, PAM. But I can't imagine that your mother's behavior on your 21st
birthday did more damage to your psyche than your mother seeing her behavior
recounted in a nationally syndicated sex-advice column is going to do to hers.
So you're your mother's daughter after all, PAM.
Loads
of gay men read your column. This makes you a good person to spread the word
about the crazy "flesh-eating" MRSA strain that is running rampant in
communities of gay men in Boston and San Francisco. According to the studies
reported in the New York Times,
gay men in SF are 13 times more likely to have this nasty staph bacteria than
the rest of the population in the area. Infection results in gross and horrible
problems like abscesses and ulcers (usually on the buttocks and genitalia). The
bacteria is resistant to not only first-line antibiotics, but also two of the
three other medications recommended by the CDC. Maybe you could help inform
people and keep them from getting infected with ass-and-genital-flesh-eating
bacteria?
Keep
It Clean
Not
all gay men listen to me—things wouldn't look so grim for us on the STI
front if more did—but for what it's worth:
Gay
men can easily protect themselves from this new strain of MRSA. According to
docs, it's as simple as scrubbing with soap and water after skin-to-skin
contact. Gay men should also reduce the number of our sex partners. Here's some
good advice we got at the beginning of the AIDS epidemic: "Have more sex with
fewer people." That was an effective health strategy back in the day—guys
who took it to heart tended to live—and it would be nice to see today's
gay men adopt/readopt the more-sex/fewer-people strategy before the infectious
shit hits the epidemiological fan. Again.
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